Today, I read something from a suicide survivor’s group I belong to. The member said, “It’s possible to feel grief and joy at the same time.”
Next Friday makes 5 months since my mom took her life. I miss her tremendously and still cry often, but I am experiencing moments of joy along with grief. Honestly, I’m shocked by this. I did not expect to experience anything close to joy, let alone peace, but I do. Guilt sometimes creeps in, but I’m realizing more and more on this journey that mixed emotions, sometimes in the same moment, are normal.
I was able to sit down and write a letter to my mom yesterday. I didn’t know where to start, so I sat, prayed, and waited. I read a few devotionals and waited. Then I remembered a birthday card to me from my mom. I found it earlier this week. It started with, “I can’t imagine our world without you.” My heart felt crushed. I started writing, and of course, the tears flowed. But afterward, I felt a sense of peace.
This is a journey that requires so much tenderness, and I’m allowing myself to go through it, with all the ups and downs, and with grace. I appreciate everyone who is also on this journey. It’s tough, but I know my being a member of the Alliance of Hope Forum has really helped me to get to this place. I won’t lie. I’m anxious about Mother’s Day coming up, but I know I’m not alone, and I will be okay.