This New Life:  Treehouses

If “a rose by any other name smells as sweet” (William Shakespeare), would a treehouse always be as sweet as our childhood memories tell us?

That’s what I wondered as I drove by a very nice group of houses the other day. I couldn’t help but notice the one closest to the road. It didn’t look so different from the others, but this house was home to children, very lucky children. A tall, wooden fort loomed in the side yard. Well-constructed hung below with swings and a rope bridge, it made me long for a special place like that.

A hideaway.

As a child, I loved to climb. Trees, jungle gyms, slides. I had no treehouse, but there were corners of the wooded lot next to our house that became circus tents, mud-pie markets, and pirate ships, even if they were only visible to me. The big ditch with its drizzle of water and the board I used to walk across it to my wonderland was probably not as big as I thought when I was nine years old, but it served my imagination well.

I never quite got over my fascination with what could happen in the trees, and I think now, as a suicide survivor, that’s a good thing. We all need a place to hide away, to pretend as we heal.

I imagined the children running out to the tall fort I had seen, but suddenly I wondered if something had been lost in the new construction. A dad might have put the thing together, but it may have been installed by other men. That led me to think about how different our lives are today, even our treehouses.

Life is faster now than ever before. The world doesn’t stop for those who grieve. So, what’s in a treehouse really?

Generations have pulled scrap boards into the branches, nailed floors and tiny rooms in place. Lessons passed from father to son include how to handle a hammer, what to say when fingers get hit instead of nails, and general principles of construction. Building shelters, like building a life, takes a certain kind of planning and execution and a “stick-to-itiveness” that battles frustration, no matter how rough the shape or how complicated the blueprint.

I could see some of these men in my mind, working beside sons and sometimes daughters, teaching more than woodwork, talking but also listening, mastering an unconscious bond that would guide their children throughout their lives.

Is all that gone with the pre-installed, pre-fabricated playgrounds of today? That’s the question I asked myself, but then I realized the answer is “no.”

Maybe things are different. The forts look better. That’s for sure. But countless dads and moms still spend incalculable hours rocking sick children, putting burgers on the grill in the backyard, sorting out problems, and cheering their kids on at ball games.

What does all this have to do with survivors of suicide? For me, it says. “Keep the good memories from the past, the tree-houses built under a tree instead of in one because my husband didn’t want our little girls to fall, but hold onto the new life we’re creating with those we can still hold in our arms. Build a hideaway, if only in our minds. Rest, step forward, rest, and go again.”

Families who lose a loved one to suicide must meet many challenges. Keeping those connections close after such loss is tiring, draining, and rewarding work. 

Even if your treehouse is on the ground, don’t forget to go there.  And take someone with you if you can. 

Tips from Survivors: Finding Your Way

It’s been 4 years, 10 months and 3 days since John left. My world imploded and exploded simultaneously. I measure the time now by season changes, years and privately important dates. No longer months, weeks, days, hours and minutes. There was a time when I did not think that was possible. There was only before John died, and after.

In that time I have been broken, devastated, despairing, anguished, shameful, guilt ridden, heart and soul broken. With each piece of time passing I’ve really struggled to understand exactly what and where I am in this remarkable and thoroughly cruddy journey. No one should have to travel this path, but in truth there are far too many souls that have no choice.

In a moment of reflection today, I realized that ultimately what I have been, for the most part, is lost. I lost my love and truest of friends, I lost a family, a future, a past, a normal, a reality and a present. I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety, I lost my ability to be carefree. I lost my real smile, I lost my mind, I lost my life, in short – I lost myself.

I am a survivor of the consequence of suicide and so are you. I have come through this despite myself and a mostly unfair world around me. I did not come through it unscathed. I did not come through it without issues and baggage; I did not come through this as the same person I remember. I did however, get to this point. I’m aware that I’m not fixed. I am a work in progress. I’m aware that there are twists and turns still to be revealed. Most importantly, I have found that in being lost, I have been finding my way all along. I just didn’t know it.

Up until today – well about 2 hours ago, I was so quietly desperate to have a way out, I forgot I was finding my way out. I’ve been impatiently and harshly demanding answers from myself and the mostly invisible universe, for a way that ironically would not have been my own. So this I think is a path that we ignore or just don’t see within our grief and loss.

In loving, we became someone else mostly without realizing it, so without them, without the life and beliefs we knew – we spin and flounder. We lose ourselves completely. We are so focused on our loss of them and how we are to blame for it and how we wished we had known and done more, that we missed a big point. We also lost who we were, not just who we became with them. We evolved from our solitary selves into ourselves with others and now we are evolving again. It takes time, effort and will to evolve – things we feel are often in short supply.

If John were here now, he would say “Babe, so that probably wasn’t the best decision in hindsight and no, I had no idea that my decision would have such an enormous consequence for you, my family, and friends I didn’t even know I had. I can’t change it, sometimes I truly wish I could, but I can’t. I was lost. I didn’t know how to find my way out because I don’t think I really realized how lost I felt.”

I would offer, “My angel, we all get lost, we all get overwhelmed, we are all disillusioned that our dreams and hopes didn’t materialize as we had imagined, but we get there. Not always easily and not without struggle and pain of so many kinds but we get there. Step by step, knock by knock, moments of pure joy, moments of realizations, moments of different kinds of love and experience. Life is just a series of moments, they constantly change, they evolve, they retreat, they endear, and they destruct but they keep going regardless.”

John would reply, “Don’t waste more moments than you need to, in traveling this new path you did not choose, because my path is not yours. I will never leave you because you keep me with you. You have to be lost to find your way.” He had many moments of brilliance!

I share this with the new and old, the practiced and the novice. It’s okay to be lost. You are going from point A to point B, with only a partial map filled in by others and your own experience. No one can control or imagine what happens in getting to point B. You just have to keep that as the end point and keep following the route as it appears.

I think the entire point of life is to evolve and adapt to what’s in front of you – we do this with experience and learning. None of us have a life handbook – well if any of you do, please drop me a copy. I have found a lot of joy in far simpler things. I laugh. I cry with happiness. I cry with sadness. I feel. I hope. I dream. I have found a lot of peace in my heart and mind and I have found that I am strong enough to face myself and that is good enough.

I may not have found my purpose–may not have found all the solutions I am looking for–but because I now know I have been lost in this new “me”, in this new reality, that I am finding the way. We all find a way. It’s one dream to the next, one personal realization to another, one step, one day, one 10 minutes – it’s a string of small steps.

Take faith in knowing that we can and do survive ourselves and this arduous journey. At times we do it alone, at times we do it with those we love, with strangers, and with those we thought forgotten or lost to us.

Patience, time, reflection, objectivity, a little self-kindness, stamina, endurance and faith in our capability – these are the tools and skills we have to develop. We can only get those through experience.

May joy and peace find you in every dark corner fold or wrinkle, stitch your wounds and ease your pain. May these experiences make you invincible!

The Portable Ted

When my husband, Ted, died by suicide, a dear friend gave me a beautiful basket in which to keep all the things she knew I might want to keep. In that basket, among the cards and notes I received after Ted died, was the laminated ID he wore to work. The photo was a good likeness and looked just like he did when he went to work every day.

One day, after reading through the cards and notes again, I picked Ted up to take him with me. I ached to see his face again, and the little ID was the most “him” of all the recent photos I had. The ID had a clip on it, so soon Ted was clipped to the dashboard of my car – my “Portable Ted.”

He went everywhere with me, clipped to the dash, or clipped in my purse when I went to work. But clipped to the dash was where I talked to him. When it was a “good” day, a day when I missed him and wanted nothing more than to talk to him. Ted heard about how my day had gone, or how much he had meant to me and how enormous was my loss.

Then I reached the stage in my grief when I was angry. And the Portable Ted heard about that, too. There were the days when I asked him endless “whys.” And the days I swore at him like a sailor for leaving me, his son, and my daughter so bereft. Some days the anger was so great I threw him in the back seat and yelled at him. Some days it was beyond anger. It was rage. And he was locked in the glove box – me yelling at him from outside. There was even a period of months when he was locked in the trunk, a veritable Siberia of my rage and pain.

I can smile about this now, almost ten years later. But that little laminated photo helped me express all the overwhelming feelings I had after Ted’s suicide. It was a positive way to let go of the anger and pain, and a way to feel connected when talking to him on the “good” days. We all need to talk out those feelings and the Portable Ted gave me a way to do that.”

I Don’t Know Why

I don’t know why…

I’ll never know why…

I don’t have to know why…

I don’t like it…

I don’t have to like it…

What I do have to do is make a choice about my living.

What I do want to do is to accept it and go on living.

The choice is mine.

I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before,

Or I can be destroyed by it and in turn, destroy others.

I thought I was immortal, that my children and my family were also,

That tragedy happened only to others…

But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable.

And I choose to go on living, making the most of the time I have,

Valuing my family and friends in a way I never experienced before.

Another Season – Before Suicide Or After Suicide

This is the first day of Spring. I want to enjoy it. I want to feel again that life is good and that soft cuddly bunny rabbits do exist. I want to believe again that flowers are beautiful and smell wonderful. I want to feel and see that somehow, at least most of the time, life is good too.

I used to think of the calendar like everyone else, but now life is either B.S or A.S. I find myself caught between 2 worlds: Before Suicide or After Suicide — and ahead. an unknown frightening future where previous dreams and hopes were laid waste.

As the seasons change it reminds me that life has seasons also. That there is a time for everything under the sun. I was thinking of the poem Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 3:

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to search and
A time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.”

Somehow I cling to the hope that I can have courage to live through the seasons of life and with your help, I can.

Podcast: Grief After Suicide – It’s Unique & Complicated

Last month, I had the opportunity to discuss suicide loss with Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Heidi Horsley, of Open to Hope, a non-profit with the mission of helping people find hope after loss. In this 20-minute podcast, we discuss the unique and complicated grief that follows the loss of a loved one to suicide. Watch to learn more about specific challenges as well as how to talk about the loss of your loved one.

Be sure to check out the Open to Hope website. It offers hundreds of informative and inspirational podcasts to help people cope with their pain, heal their grief and invest in their future.  

What Helps: Photography

I have always been involved in photography (in fact, that’s how I met my husband). It takes you outside of yourself, helps you express yourself when you are at a loss for the words, and is good therapy, in my opinion. It also helps me see beauty where I otherwise would not. I recently read a bunch of articles about how it is good for the mentally ill as well, for some of the same reasons. I wondered if I were the only one that thought it was good for the grieving process and found this article: Coping with Death: Grief and Photography  

I’m sure it’s not for everyone but it sure works for me. Plus on my photo site I have garnered many friends and caring souls, much like I have at AOH – although of course, they don’t really “Get It” like everyone here – but it is a good social network for me because I don’t have a lot of support otherwise.

I take a photo a day and have been doing it mostly every day with some exceptions for the last ten years. It was very difficult immediately following my husband’s death when I didn’t feel like taking photos at all, but the desire gradually returned. Some days now, I take a shot that conveys hopelessness, despair. Some days I look for beauty. Some days I write about the past. Some days I concentrate on hope. I usually write my feelings about the photo or the moment along with the photo. It always makes me feel better. Maybe it would make someone out there feel a bit better, too, to try it.

Today I went to the cemetery for the first time in two months because of the weather and my car accident. It was very emotional to be there after such a long time (for me, anyway) and to be there in the snow. On the way out, through my tears, I saw this and was able to get off a quick snap. It seemed a small blessing. I will look at it down the road and remember the sorrow of today, but I will also remember God’s tender mercies in giving me something beautiful to concentrate on before the ride home. Maybe it was even a sign from my husband … as we used to take so many photos of deer together when we lived down south.

A Destination in My Story

My husband’s death has made me face some harsh and painful truths.

I’ve always been a very resilient person. Probably more than most. That’s a truth I never wanted to learn about myself. I can deal with really traumatic situations in other people’s lives and help them through it. My own tragedies I’m not as good with. Until now. Because I must be. 

I feel like in life, you have two choices. The first is the choice to let what happens to you define you and break you. The second is to keep going even when every part of you feels broken.

Sometimes your whole life flips upside down and you just have deal with it. You have to pick up the pieces of a mess you didn’t create. You have to put one foot in front of the other when you don’t know how. You have to be strong because you have no other choice. You have to overcome things no one should ever experience. You have to ask for help with things that you never expected to have to do.

This reality is not what I want. But I’m here. This is a destination in my story – but I won’t let it be the end of my story.

A Veterans Day Remembrance

On Veterans Day we remember all those brave men and woman who proudly served their country. It’s a day of pageantry, parades, American flags, and celebrations of battles won and bravery exhibited.

For families of the fallen—especially those who have lost a loved one to suicide—it can be a day filled with complex emotions.
We are proud that our family member was one of the less than 1% who volunteered to put their life on the line for our country. We hold close that picture of them standing tall in their uniform, and will forever remember the day they joined. We look back on their service and wish they could have received the care they needed when the many stressors of military life became too much.

On Veterans Day, military survivors of suicide loss often worry about our veterans. We wonder if they are suffering like our loved one did, and we wish that we could make changes.

My husband joined the Marine Corp because he loved his country and wanted to do something important. He was patriotic, loyal, and passionate. He prided himself on being able to push through adversity and lived by military mottos such as: “Pain is weakness leaving your body” – “Death before dishonor” and “You’re only as strong as your weakest link.” In boot camp he sprained his ankle very badly but didn’t want to be seen as weak so he duct-taped it up and pushed through. He graduated top of his class and was offered a flight school spot. He excelled in flight school and we were stationed in North Carolina where he would fly Cobra, attack helicopters.

He loved his job, but it was highly competitive and very stressful. During our time there John deployed twice, we had two children, a new mortgage, and were hit by a hurricane twice. More difficult than any of these things was the fact that the squadron suffered multiple aviation accidents. John lost many of his peers and began to fear that he would make a mistake that would cost someone their life. He started having anxiety about flying his aircraft and unresolved trauma and loss from an accident in high school started to haunt him.
As a military spouse, I was very worried about him but knew that if I told anyone it might end his career as a pilot. I feared asking for help would make things worse. My husband would see it as a betrayal.

Finally, we talked to a senior officer who advised us to take time off and push through the depression and anxiety. He warned us not to seek professional care or take meds because it would look bad in his record. John was able to push through his pain and return to duty, but the lessons learned would prove to be deadly. John thought depression was a weakness in him. Something to be ashamed of and hide from. I learned that John could pull himself out of a depression and became even more resistant to seeking outside help.

My husband served ten more years, and was a respected leader in his field, promoted several times. He worked successfully, with some emotional and physical pain, up until he experienced combat. In 2004, John deployed to Iraq and flew over 75 combat missions. He was, by all accounts, a fearless leader and skilled pilot, but when he returned home, the demons returned as well. John had trouble sleeping and he didn’t enjoy the things he used to love. He was impatient with our children and withdrew from his family and friends. We talked about getting help but once again John worried that it would change the way people viewed him and negatively affect his career.

Three months after returning from Iraq, my husband died by suicide. I have spent the last ten years trying to understand my own loss and gathering information from other families in hopes of preventing suicides. Suicide is a very complex event with multiple contributing factors. In hindsight, everything is so much clearer. We have new information and a fuller picture of what our loved one was facing. I wish I would have done more, but I did the best I could with the information and pressures I had at the time.

I have forgiven myself for not knowing how much pain my husband was in, and I have forgiven my husband for being too proud to get help.
I now work for an organization called TAPS or the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. We are a national non-profit that provides comprehensive, peer-based support to all those who are grieving a death in the military. I have built programming specifically for survivors of military suicide. After my own loss, I was desperate to talk to some else who had been through this. Studies show that peer-based support is one of the top things that help survivors heal.

The Alliance of Hope and TAPS join together this Veterans Day to honor all those service members and veterans who have lost their life to depression, PTSD, TBI, moral injuries, and anxiety disorders. We honor all those military families who served and sacrificed too. You are not alone. Together we will get through this, and together we will continue to raise awareness about veteran suicide. On this Veterans Day I encourage you to remember the love, celebrate the life, and share the journey.

 

Kim Ruocco is Vice President of Suicide Prevention and Postvention: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)

 

Two Years Later… Still on the Journey

I have learned that as a survivor, I can be whole again.

On December 2, 2010, the man I loved to distraction sent a text message to three people saying that life was too difficult. He turned off his phone, went out on the front porch and shot himself. In the two years that have followed, I have learned a great deal about surviving suicide.

In the early months following his death, I was in excruciating pain … all of the time. I felt like a fish hooked deeply and painfully. No amount of writhing or maneuvering could free me from that pain. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn’t. I tried drinking, but drinking just made me sadder. Nothing brought relief. When I tried to think of what my future was going to be, I was overwhelmed by sadness and fear and revulsion for a life I didn’t want. Someone (actually, Ronnie Walker) told me not to think about the future –it was excellent advice. She told me to just try to get by minute by minute, until I could handle hour by hour. Two years later, I am able to think weeks or even months out, but trying to plan years out just depresses me. I have learned that’s ok, I only have to do what I can.

Several months after his death, the terrible pain started to ease. I thought I was returning to normal. When you’ve been so far down, each little improvement feels like a huge movement up. Other people also saw the improvement, and some felt like I was back to my old self. But I was not normal. I have learned that normal, if it returns, takes a long, long time. And that however long it takes, you have to accept that and work within your new limitations to get through.

I have seen that tiny disappointments can now result in emotional meltdowns and days and days of depression. My resiliency is not what it was. I had always been cheerful and optimistic, but eventually after the loss, to protect myself against disappointment, I began to imagine the worst and plan for it.I wasn’t obsessing about the worst; I was just preparing for it. If the worst didn’t happen, it was a relief instead of a crushing disappointment. Viewing the world that way works against my natural personality, but it allows me to function. Some people find it disturbing, especially if they knew me before, but I’ve learned to do what works for me.

I have learned that those who have not survived cannot be expected to understand what survivors are going through. People may be cruel, or they may be kind. In the early days, I reacted much too strongly to well-intentioned but ignorant people. Perhaps my reactions taught them something, but probably not. Now I’ve learned not to listen to the opinions of those who don’t know, and I’ve learned to tell them firmly (but I hope not rudely) that I hope they never have to know what they are talking about.

On this grief journey, I have changed. I was an outgoing, bubbly, optimistic person who loved life and truly believed that no matter how bad things looked, they would work out somehow. Now I know that terrible things can happen, and you may not be able to stop them. I used to believe my strength would allow me to absorb blows and move forward without being crippled by them. Now I know I can be brought to my knees in pain, but still rise up and live each day. And I have learned that even if you don’t really love all of life, there are still moments of great joy to be found that make it worthwhile.

I have learned that grief is selfish. When you are grieving, you cannot be the good friend and thoughtful daughter or sister or parent that you once were. I found the expectations and needs of others, however much they loved me, to be a burden. And for a while, that’s ok. But you do have to work back to thinking of others at some point. And I have learned that getting in touch with gratitude helps with that. Counting whatever blessings you can find helps heal you. This may feel like hard work, but trust me, without gratitude you won’t survive as a whole person.

And I have learned that as a survivor, I can be whole again. Perhaps I’m not the bubbly, outgoing, optimistic and resilient me that I was, but still a whole person. I may never have the life I wanted, but I am learning to accept the life I have and truly appreciate the good parts of it.

I am still on this journey. I can make the adjustments I need to make to compensate for the scars that I bear. I can contribute to the world around me. I can return the love that others give me. And I have learned that I can have wonderful moments that would not have seemed possible two years ago, and the only way to have them is to keep surviving.

Thanksgiving

This will be my first without my husband and also without my mom. I recently got back from my son-in-law’s funeral and while I was there, I received a text message from my nephew. It really pulled at my heart strings and made me do some deep thinking. He said that he was very proud of me for making the trip alone –a first for me flying somewhere by myself.

He said that he was worried about me after my mom passed, but then he became really fearful for my mental well-being after my husband completed, shortly after mom’s death. He said that my husband would be so very proud of me that I am making those very difficult first steps and trying to find my way in this new world.

The fact that I was able to travel by myself was a big step for me in gaining back a tiny sense of self. He made reference to the fact that he knows for sure that my husband would want me to thrive, as that man lived more in his lifetime than most people do in 10 lifetimes. He said that my husband would expect nonetheless from me. He said that I should honor my husband’s wishes and thrive and live life to the fullest.

I always remember my husband telling our grandkids, friends etc. that we should always “REACH FOR THE STARS.” Personally I feel like I am just going through the motions, still taking one day at a time because if I think too far past today, I start getting freaked out, and thinking about the future just makes me sad.

No one in my family really knows what to do for the holiday season. I think they are all tiptoeing around me for now because they don’t know what to say or what to do. We typically get together, so I thought a lot about it the last few days and decided that I was going to have Thanksgiving at my house. One of my sisters and her husband are going to come stay with me for a few days and help me do the setting up and cooking. Although I really don’t need the help, it will be nice to have someone here. I figured that if I didn’t do anything I would just sit here like a bump on a log and be miserable, sad and cry all day.

For me, working through my grief, staying busy really helps me mentally. I think my family is relieved that I volunteered to have it at my house. Maybe I will be too exhausted to think. That is my hope anyway. with cooking for at least 20 people. Good thing is I get to keep the leftovers ha ha ha –just what my big ole butt needs NOTTTT lol …

 

Originally published by DSM on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and reprinted with permission.

The Journey: Choosing to Live

I’ve reached a point at nearly 10 months where I believe I have to make the biggest choice a person bereaved by suicide could ever have to make. The choice seems to be the choice to live. “Choose life.” I used to think this was a glib, shallow statement. But now I realize it is deep–so deep.

If I could choose to end this pain, would I? Yes! I am desperate to end the pain, but the problem is, it’s impossible, without ending life itself. I’ve been to the edge and back and in a way, I will always be drawn to just ending this pain, stopping it. This has affected my outlook on deep levels. I no longer care if I am diagnosed with cancer tomorrow. I don’t drink much alcohol, but I smoke now and again and I don’t care what it does to me. I completely understand now how some people can become drawn into and die from opiate addiction. I will never do that but I have 100% empathy for those that do.

The real choice is now showing itself to me: choosing to live.

Somehow, I have to do this while continuing to grieve. I didn’t think it was possible to do both, but I have reached a point of being so sick and tired of being in constant pain and sorrow. I’ve been making attempts to go out more socially and meet people. Every time I do this, I’ve been able to get a bit more of my personality back. I’ve enjoyed the distraction of talking to people and doing things, but always at the end of the day, I come back to being alone with myself and thinking of my partner and beseeching the universe to please send him back to me. What a huge hole he has left in my life and my being. He is so incredibly missed.

I must still make the choice to live, despite this. I feel I must go forward although the pain is so crushing at times I can hardly breathe. It is frightening to go forward because I’m scared I might at any point fall into a deep black hole. I don’t quite even know what I mean by this. I think I’m scared of further loss, further misfortune. It feels like any further hurt could break me. But yet again, this matter seems to come down to choice. Choosing to have this fear and still live life.

Perhaps I need to honor and respect the fact I have any such choices… perhaps I can choose to be survivor rather than a victim.

 

Originally published by Cathy70 on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and reprinted with permission.

Survivor Experience: Those Unanswered Phone Calls From Him to Me

I have been re-playing and reliving those last sad agonizing hours –those unanswered phone calls from him to me. I remain haunted by the unanswered questions.

But….

For whatever reason he was reaching out to me –and I will likely never really know why –the fact that he did is what led the police to contact me following his horrific and tragic death by suicide.

As I mentioned in my last letter to you, we had not yet announced our coming together to his friends or family. We had so wanted to do this together –in person. They likely would not have known to contact me –or how…

I may well have gone through days of agonizing why he wasn’t calling me –emailing me–texting me–or returning my attempts at contacting him.

I may have found out about his tragic and horrific death by an internet posting, a newspaper article, a rumour, or some other ghastly impersonal way….

His reaching out to me may well have been his last and most loving gift to me….

I am shaking and crying so hard I can barely type….

This is going to take some time to process…

 

Originally published by Inshock on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and reprinted with permission.

The Journey: Two Years and Counting

Oddly I’m feeling him close to me again recently. Only this time it feels different. This time it feels like he is encouraging me and urging me on. Seems to be wanting me to know that he was sick and didn’t mean the things he said and did. Lots of subtle signs, special songs and just the way the parts of the universe come together sometimes. God, I don’t want to let go of him and what we once had! I know I have to move on–and I am–but it still hurts. It’s been so long it almost seems surreal to think that he was really here with us. I’m truly grateful for the occasional dream that let’s me live in my fantasy land for a bit.

The further I get from the chaos that was our final two years (of fifteen) together, the more I realize just how abnormal it all was. Just how serious his mental illness was. I cry when I think of the pain and turmoil he was in. I cry when I think of the mistakes I made along the way. I take comfort in knowing that he is resting now and finally at ease.

Once again, it’s time to reevaluate my life. I have been staying so constantly busy that I just haven’t found the time to go through most of his things. I have a million excuses for not facing this head on. It’s time to stop waking up in a bedroom that looks like he still lives here (guitar propped in the corner, clothes in closet, hat hanging on the door, his books on the nightstand). He doesn’t live here anymore but he will always live in my heart. I hope he knows how much I love him, that I forgive him and will NEVER forget him. I pray he forgives me too.

If I Could Have Just One More Day with You

I would shower you with kisses.

Walk hand in hand to the beach

And tell you over and over again

How much I love you

How much we all love you

How much we need you in our lives

How so very important you are

How you’re our son’s favorite superhero

How you’re in my every waking thought

And the thought of life without you undoes me

How much your son needs you to grow up and be a man–a good man like you

How the world became terrible when you left

How I have to learn to breathe again and I don’t want to

How sorry I am that I never told you enough of this when you were here

How broken we all are

How much I will love you forever

And every day I wake up

I’m a bit older

And closer to the day

We will meet again

And I will kiss you with tears streaming and wait impatiently for that day

And that’s when I will stop crying

And stop missing you

That moment I take my final breath.

 

Forever my husband and Jesse’s Daddy

Survivor Experience: Ride of My Life

I hate this roller coaster ride. It was not my choice to ride. I was pushed into it. Sometimes the ride is fine and at first I feel okay. “I can get through this,” I say to myself. Then out of the blue –like a sneaky trick –I am plunged into a dark hole that is so terrifying I have to use all my strength to hang on for dear life. The timing is unpredictable. In a twitch of an eye, the plunge starts in the middle of a job meeting, at a red light, in a store, with friends or not with friends. Alone or not alone. This is exhausting and I feel like a used worn wet rag.

The ride has a sadistic sense of humor. It doesn’t want me on alone so it sends others to keep me company. Their names are Guilt, Anger, and Depression. They are very friendly. They each have their own personality and want me to join in with them.

Guilt tells me, “It’s my fault, I should of been more aware and less self-absorbed.” Then Anger screams loudly to Guilt so I can hear him too, “It may be her fault but he should have never abandoned her like that!” Then my new companion, Depression chimes in sadly and says over and over “You both are right so why bother with anything –even living–because now nothing really matters.” These new companions never fail to point out something I didn’t realize or remember. They seem to make sense of this tragedy and I almost give in and believe them.

But then along the sidelines and in the stands I hear a team, people of all ages on the Alliance of Hope forum, male and female, each with different viewpoints and beliefs. Like one voice I hear them faintly at first and then more loudly. They say, “No, don’t believe them. They are not your friends! Your loved one was ill and didn’t mean to hurt you. Your loved one was in pain and wanted the pain to end. You would have done anything you could at that time to help. Don’t beat yourself up it is not your fault. You cannot control or make choices for others. They made their own choices good or bad. They would not really want you to suffer so much over this. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Cry and just breathe. It will be alright. Drink water and eat something nutritious. We’ve been through this and can help you get through this too. We will always believe you and support you. Always!”

Listening to this team, a warm feeling grows and gives me hope. I start to feel like I am getting stronger and want to trust and live again. I know deep down they are right and what they say is truth. My former companions Guilt, Anger and Depression start to fade into the background and the roller coaster becomes slower, steadier and more on an even keel and I want to get off.

Everyone here is that one voice -the Alliance of Hope team. You told me all these things and cared, loved and believed in me even when I couldn’t believe in myself. This Memorial weekend I want to say thank you all for helping me get my life back. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. God Bless.

HomeyTheresa’s essay was originally published on the Alliance of Hope forum for suicide loss survivors and was reprinted with permission. HomeyTheresa lost her husband to suicide.

Clean the Toaster!

I’m in the grumpiest of moods today. I’m pissed off at work. I asked if we could get a new toaster for the office and was told to go clean the toaster. This has really irritated me because there are dozens of people who use it. I work at a landfill so you can imagine how dirty it is. When I would get told stupid things at work, I’d have M to bounce things off of and agree how stupid my coworkers can be. Now I sit here in a pissed off mood, angry I don’t have anyone to vent too, and am stuck with a disgusting toaster. I know it’s such a small thing to be irritated about, but in the big picture I don’t have anyone to tell these little things too. I feel like crying.

Originally published by Krisanc19 on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and reprinted with permission.

Beyond Surviving

November 29, 1999. Alan and I had been seeing each other for a year. We were in love. We were planning a life together. But this night, just before we went to sleep, he said he felt a kind of terror inside.

He had just graduated from law school and had been hired by one of the top law firms in Los Angeles. But he hated the job. His passion was for helping people in need–especially children, and the law firm wasn’t giving him any satisfaction. I told him that he should start looking for general counsel positions in some of the non-profit organizations working on the causes he cared about.

That Tuesday night, I got home early and waited for Alan to get home to have dinner. But he didn’t call and he didn’t come over. My repeated phone calls to his office and cell phone went unanswered.

Just after 9:00 PM, the phone rang. It was his roommate: “Danny, Alan has hurt himself very, very badly. The paramedics are here. I’ll call you as soon as I know what hospital we are going to.”

Five minutes later, the phone rang again. It was Alan’s roommate once more. “Danny, I have some bad news. We’re not going to the hospital. Alan’s passed away.”

A friend drove me over to Alan’s apartment. There were EMTs and police there. I was in a state of total shock. I didn’t go into Alan’s room. They explained to me that he had suffocated himself. As I saw them roll the gurney in to take Alan’s body away, I started yelling, “I don’t want to see him in a bag. I don’t want to see him in a bag.” I went into another room and closed the door. I could hear the banging of the folding legs of the gurney. I heard the wheel squeaking as they rolled Alan past the door of the room I was in. It made me sick.

I didn’t go to the wake. I didn’t want to see Alan embalmed. I didn’t want to see that beautiful face with make-up caked all over it.

The first week was hell. Hours seemed to take months to pass. All I had any motivation to do was calculate the math for the time I had left on earth to endure the pain. I’m 39 years old. I just made it through a week. If I live to be 80, I need to do this 2,132 more times. I guess I can do that.

Friends sent me books about suicide. Night Falls Fast by Kay Jamison was especially helpful.

I once heard a minister say that when we are most broken, we are closest to God. One of the things that got me through the days was a paranormal sense of perception. I could see synchronicities that either never existed before or that I never noticed. It seemed like Alan was present–speaking to me. I was walking one day with a friend who was also grieving the loss of his partner. He stopped as we were walking and reached down into the gutter. He picked up a medal that had an angel on one side and an inscription on the other that said, “Angels shall guard thee.” He said I should have it. I wore it around my neck for the next seven years. Not more than a few weeks after he gave it to me, I was driving to the marina to meet Alan’s mother who had flown in for a visit. Driving down the 405, a rainbow appeared–the first I had ever seen in twenty years of living in Los Angeles. Alan loved rainbows. I told his mother the story of the medallion and showed it to her. Her jaw dropped. She opened her purse and pulled out a medallion identical to it–not close, but identical–that a friend had just given her.

I began to heal slowly. I let myself have my process, and I let myself heal according to my own schedule, and no one else’s. I didn’t pay attention to people who would say, “Aren’t you ready to move beyond that?” I knew I’d be ready when I was ready and not a moment sooner. I was kind to myself and I gave myself all of the patience in the world.

Two years after Alan died, I decided to launch a huge fundraising event to take suicide out of the closet and put it on the map. I had already invented the AIDSRides and the Breast Cancer 3-Days–events which had raised hundreds of millions of dollars for those causes. The new event was called, “Out of the Darkness,” and it would be a 26-mile walk through the night to raise money for suicide prevention. You had to raise a minimum of $1000 in order to go. 1200 people walked and netted 1.3 million dollars for the cause.

One year after Alan died, I met the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I have ever known. Jimmy and I have been together now for eight and a half years, and six months ago, through the miracle of surrogacy, we had triplets–three beautiful babies, two girls and a boy–Annalisa, Sage, and Rider.I think fondly of Alan, but my heart has healed. The days of thinking my life was over have given way to the knowledge that my life has just begun.

I am filled with a sense of one powerful, singular truth, which is, if you just stay in the world, have patience and have faith, anything is possible–absolutely anything. God’s imagination is infinitely more powerful than our own, and if we just stay here, we will get to watch her play with it, and the most unthinkably beautiful things will unfold in our lives.

Just before our children were born, my friend who gave me the medallion that I’d worn around my neck for seven years gave me three beautiful little silver crosses, one for each of our kids. Now I wear them around my neck. Angels still guard me, but Jimmy and I have three little angels to guard on our own.

This essay was written and originally published on the Alliance of Hope blog in 2008.

My Morning Cup of Latte

It’s 5:00 am and I’m wide awake ready to start my day. This was my routine for years. As a woman who juggled a busy career and a family, I claimed the early morning quiet hours to be mine. The corner of the couch, my book and a cup of tea greeted me each day at the same time.

My husband who, by the way was never a morning person, teased me relentlessly about losing out on another hour of sleep each day before shuffling off to drop kids at school and head to work. I told him he should try it. That having an hour of no stress and just quiet time seemed to prepare me for my day. We both had careers in management and shared the stressful demands that came with it. Add in five kids to boot and you had what often times felt like a mixing bowl with the beaters on full speed and only dry ingredients. Years later my husband finally decided to try my “early morning rise and relax” therapeutic approach to life. The next thing I knew every morning at 5:00 am he would roll over and ask “are you ready? Let’s go, I’ll make the coffee.”

Our routine quickly became what would I would describe as one of my most beautiful times in my life. Reading a book at 5:00 am gave way to early morning discussions and opening up to each other. For the first time in years we got to know one another, every morning on the corner of the couch over a cup of coffee. We talked politics, our managing styles and challenges at work, kids, church, family and sometimes his depression.

One day he thanked me and confessed that he had never been a morning person and now after all this time he found that inner peace I often spoke of and explained that it really did help him prepare for his day. He was an amazing leader, passionate, visionary, inspiring and always wore a big smile. His hobby was restoring old cars and over the years we had what felt like a local car dealership with and endless variety of vehicles in various stages of restoration waiting their turn to shine again. Once finished he would sell that one and start the next.

We had all kind of adventures over the years, some with positive outcomes and others less desirable. Challenge seemed to be the norm in our family so we just learned to embrace the ever shaking ground beneath us and kept going. His worked moved us all over the U.S. and we never stayed in one place beyond 1-3 years. Our kids learned to be adaptable. Okay maybe more like tired of it but it was what it was.

I would describe him as someone who bored quickly. He was in need of something different and new all the time. This, in and of itself, was tricky as a spouse because about the time I thought he was finally satisfied, he was looking for his next fix.

He was a great dad although he second guessed himself much of the time. We were a blended family and our children were very young when we married. Our story isn’t perfect but certainly qualified for unusual. Our children meshed like biological children. We never used the term “step” and always referred to each other as dad, mom, sister or brother. Most people who knew us couldn’t even tell we were blended. Behind the scenes of course there were many of the challenges of working through the demands of “Ex’s” and the all too tiring push and pull of getting kids to the other parent and then back again. Stress, stress and more stress.

My inner dark thoughts and feelings bring me back to reality where I am still angry and sad. Still, as I look back it amazes me how much of the good I can focus on. It’s a beautiful story but I know behind it all a thread that once bound us all together has simply been pulled out, unraveling everything. Here I want to memorialize his beautiful soul, forget the wrongdoing, the disagreements, the imperfections and focus on just the happy parts of what was our lovely and sometimes dysfunctional life.

I still get up every morning and sit on the edge of the couch. I rarely read but in the quiet I whisper to him all the things I would say as if he were sitting there. Sometimes I feel like he’s actually there and it brings me peace. He was my morning cup of latte.

 

Originally published on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and reprinted with permission.