This will be my first without my husband and also without my mom. I recently got back from my son-in-law’s funeral and while I was there, I received a text message from my nephew. It really pulled at my heart strings and made me do some deep thinking. He said that he was very proud of me for making the trip alone –a first for me flying somewhere by myself.
He said that he was worried about me after my mom passed, but then he became really fearful for my mental well-being after my husband completed, shortly after mom’s death. He said that my husband would be so very proud of me that I am making those very difficult first steps and trying to find my way in this new world.
The fact that I was able to travel by myself was a big step for me in gaining back a tiny sense of self. He made reference to the fact that he knows for sure that my husband would want me to thrive, as that man lived more in his lifetime than most people do in 10 lifetimes. He said that my husband would expect nonetheless from me. He said that I should honor my husband’s wishes and thrive and live life to the fullest.
I always remember my husband telling our grandkids, friends etc. that we should always “REACH FOR THE STARS.” Personally I feel like I am just going through the motions, still taking one day at a time because if I think too far past today, I start getting freaked out, and thinking about the future just makes me sad.
No one in my family really knows what to do for the holiday season. I think they are all tiptoeing around me for now because they don’t know what to say or what to do. We typically get together, so I thought a lot about it the last few days and decided that I was going to have Thanksgiving at my house. One of my sisters and her husband are going to come stay with me for a few days and help me do the setting up and cooking. Although I really don’t need the help, it will be nice to have someone here. I figured that if I didn’t do anything I would just sit here like a bump on a log and be miserable, sad and cry all day.
For me, working through my grief, staying busy really helps me mentally. I think my family is relieved that I volunteered to have it at my house. Maybe I will be too exhausted to think. That is my hope anyway. with cooking for at least 20 people. Good thing is I get to keep the leftovers ha ha ha –just what my big ole butt needs NOTTTT lol …
Originally published by DSM on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and reprinted with permission.