This will be my first holiday without my husband and also without my mom. I recently returned from my son-in-law’s funeral, and while I was there, I received a text message from my nephew. It really pulled at my heartstrings and prompted me to do some deep thinking. He expressed how proud he was of me for making the trip alone—my first time flying somewhere by myself.
He shared that he was worried about me after my mom passed, but his concern deepened after my husband’s passing shortly thereafter. He mentioned that my husband would be so proud of me for taking these difficult first steps and trying to find my way in this new world.
The fact that I was able to travel by myself felt like a significant step toward regaining a bit of my sense of self. He noted that he knew for sure my husband would want me to thrive, as that man lived more in his lifetime than most people do in ten lifetimes. He believed my husband would expect nothing less from me. He encouraged me to honor my husband’s wishes and to thrive, to live life to the fullest.
I always remember my husband telling our grandkids and friends that we should always “REACH FOR THE STARS.” Personally, I feel like I am just going through the motions, still taking one day at a time, because if I think too far ahead, I start to get anxious, and contemplating the future just makes me sad.
No one in my family really knows what to do for the holiday season. I sense they are tiptoeing around me for now because they don’t know what to say or how to act. We typically gather together, so I’ve thought a lot about it over the last few days and have decided that I will host Thanksgiving at my house. One of my sisters and her husband are coming to stay with me for a few days to help set up and cook. Although I really don’t need help, it will be nice to have someone here. I figured that if I didn’t do anything, I’d just sit here like a bump on a log and be miserable, sad, and crying all day.
For me, working through my grief, staying busy really helps me mentally. I think my family is relieved that I volunteered to host. Maybe I’ll be too exhausted to think—that’s my hope anyway—with cooking for at least 20 people. The good thing is I get to keep the leftovers. Ha ha ha—just what my big ole butt needs. NOT! Lol …
