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Transforming Pain into Peace
Emotions & Challenges, Grief Journey

Transforming Pain into Peace

I listened to a podcast today and was struck by the truth of the statement, “Suffering isn’t the end of the story.” Essentially, the host and guest discussed how to develop our minds to recognize and narrate multiple sides of the stories and interpretations we tell ourselves.

Suffering is an inherent part of the human experience. None of us want to suffer, but it is inevitable. So, how do we find our way back to life when we are knee-deep in a situation we don’t want?

Rumi, the insightful poet and mystic, once stated, “Life is the balance of holding on and letting go,” along with the poignant observation, “The wound is where the light enters.” These profound truths resonate deeply with me, even though I often wish I had never had to witness or experience the pain from which they arise.

When I began this grief journey after my partner’s passing, I knew it would be challenging, but I didn’t fully grasp the extent of the challenge. I had to learn to transform my pain into peace, a process I hadn’t anticipated and one that required me to change significantly. This struggle is often the hardest part of navigating such a profound loss. Suicide is shocking, deeply personal, and utterly unexpected. After a loved one dies by suicide, we must learn to embrace the unknown and the uncomfortable. We need to focus on calming our internal storms, breathing deeply, feeling our emotions, confronting our fears, and truly understanding the reality of our situation.

When I look back on my life, I realize I have suffered on many levels— as a child, a teenager, a young adult, and now, as a mature adult. At times, I am struck by the awareness that I still have more to face ahead, and it makes me tremble. I am human, and to truly live this life, we must embrace all aspects of it, which means navigating both the good and the bad, the delightful and the devastating.

Embracing all aspects of ourselves and of them, is one of the most powerful tools we can hold. Eventually, I saw that to fully evolve beyond my grief, I had to embrace that part of him, too—the part that broke me. His suffering ended, yet that was not the conclusion of his story; it transformed into something beyond my reach, which caused me the greatest pain. I could not change what I wanted to hold onto; I lacked that power. I was merely a witness, a traveler, and a borrower of time and experience.

When we are new to grief, we are debilitated by the pain. Only gradually, do we learn to see aspects of our loved ones that we couldn’t understand while they were alive. Sometimes, we gain burdensome insights. With time, we transform into someone new; we don’t stop feeling or falling—we just understand that we will rise again. We learn we are not defined by our thoughts, emotions, or actions; we are pure consciousness, embodied in this experience.

If you are new to this journey and seeking hope in this beautiful and safe space, rest assured that suffering is not the end of their story or yours. Through this journey, we discover two of the most powerful tools at our disposal: true empathy and deep compassion.

As we begin to accept our loss as a tragedy that should never have happened, we face an important decision: what shall we do with the gifts that arise from it? This begins slowly and manifests as minute shifts in our thoughts, emotions, and reactions.

When we discover compassion, we initiate change—we connect, act, move, and evolve. Our small acts of compassion may not change the world on their own, but through connection, wisdom, and selfless care, we can create a ripple effect, transforming the world around us.

The act of accepting what has profoundly affected us leads to true and deep compassion—for ourselves and for those we have had to say farewell to. When we combine acceptance and compassion, we gain wisdom. Together, these three elements empower us to confront and navigate the uncertainties that lie ahead. Suffering is not the end of the story; rather, it is the force that propels us toward the next chapter of our goodness.

I hope you can find the compassion that resides within you, even on the darkest of days.

About the Author

Heidi Botterill

Heidi lost her long-time love and partner from the consequences of suicide in 2012. She found and joined the Alliance of Hope 18 months after. It was a lifeline with folks who understood what a dark and difficult path it was to walk. Now, with some time under her belt she offers thoughts and a shoulder to lean on for those walking the same path. The experience changed her and her life irrevocably, once a survivor of this, always a champion for those who are forced to navigate their way through it.Read More »