I have decided it is okay for me to be happy. I am going to apologize to my husband for my mistakes and I am going to let the anger and guilt go. I am sure I will have to tell myself this daily, but I know that I do not want to be unhappy, sad, and tired forever.
Most importantly, I am going to forgive myself. I have decided to go to the cemetery and have a long conversation with him. My kids deserve more – and I am beginning to think I do also. I look back on the last year and a half at my own destructive behaviors such as not eating or sleeping. Smoking and drinking too much. At the rate I am going, my health is going to fail, and my kids may be without another parent.
Also, the suicidal thoughts that creep in scare me. What if one day I give up and give in? I am going to try to think positively and I know this will not happen overnight, but if I can think of one small positive thought and then another and another, maybe it will become a frame of mind.
I am also joining a grief support group. Although I cannot imagine I will find more support there than here. This forum is a Godsend! The group will get me out of the house for something besides work. So, it is a small step towards where I want to be.
I have spent the last year of my life holding on to these negative emotions – I think because I feel disloyal somehow or that I don’t deserve the good times because it was my fault.
I think all of you deserve to be happy too.