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I Have Decided

I Have Decided

I have decided it is okay for me to be happy. I am going to apologize to my husband for my mistakes and I am going to let the anger and guilt go. I am sure I will have to tell myself this daily, but I know that I do not want to be unhappy, sad, and tired forever.

Most importantly, I am going to forgive myself. I have decided to go to the cemetery and have a long conversation with him. My kids deserve more – and I am beginning to think I do also. I look back on the last year and a half at my own destructive behaviors such as not eating or sleeping. Smoking and drinking too much. At the rate I am going, my health is going to fail, and my kids may be without another parent.

Also, the suicidal thoughts that creep in scare me. What if one day I give up and give in? I am going to try to think positively and I know this will not happen overnight, but if I can think of one small positive thought and then another and another, maybe it will become a frame of mind.

I am also joining a grief support group. Although I cannot imagine I will find more support there than here. This site is a Godsend! The group will get me out of the house for something besides work. So, it is a small step towards where I want to be.

I have spent the last year of my life holding on to these negative emotions – I think because I feel disloyal somehow or that I don’t deserve the good times because it was my fault.

I think all of you deserve to be happy too.

Motherboots

About the Author

Wisdom From Our Community

"Wisdom From Our Community" posts originally appeared on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and are reprinted with the permission of the authors. Our online forum transcends time and distance, offering a culture of kindness, hope, and understanding to people who have lost loved ones to suicide. Operating like a 24/7 support group, our forum is supervised by a mental health professional and moderated by a trained team of loss survivors. Members can read and comment, share their stories, and connect with other suicide loss survivors.Read More »