I am so, so sorry for your loss. Sorry for all of our losses.
I experience anger all the time. Some ‘provoked’, some not. I have a very short fuse, and it’s been overwhelming and confusing for me. I’ve always been opinionated and strong, but had an optimistic disposition, and was pretty laid back.
I’ve come to realize that those characteristics are buried for right now, while I try to come to terms with this experience. I’ve tried to find healthy outlets for that anger –journaling, working out, taking a ‘ten count’ before I respond when I’m upset.
I can go from wanting to smash everything in my path, to gut-wrenching sobs in 2.4 seconds. So far I haven’t broken anything, but in my mind, I’ve smashed everything to bits. I’ve chopped wood a couple of times, and that seemed to help, except my concentration is gone and I nearly took off my foot. No more sharp objects for me!
I struggle in dealing with this aftermath. His pain is gone (and I truly am thankful for that,) but mine is never-ending. This is the part that makes me angriest I think. That and all the things he took from me when he left.
I’m just starting to wrap my head around the fact that he was terminally mentally ill. That quite possibly I prolonged his life by loving him as much as I did. … I realize he didn’t do this to me or to us. He was ill, his judgment clouded, his brain chemistry altered. When I think of those things – how ill he was, how much pain he must have been in, psychologically and emotionally to believe this was the only way out of his problems and pain — then my anger usually turns to sadness. Sadness for a beautiful life lost so senselessly and tragically.”