Even though my husband mentioned suicide 30 days before his death and made a couple of failed attempts before I met him, his suicide caught us by surprise. I am fortunate that many first responders tried to provide a soft spot for me to land as I was falling into the emotional hell of suicide loss. I don’t want my gratitude to go unspoken, so I drafted a few letters.
Here is the body of the letter for dispatch that I sent out today.
September 2, 2023
I am writing to thank you all for your role in keeping our city and its people safe. I want to also acknowledge the difference you made in my life on May 4, 2022.
On that day, just before 11:30 am, someone answering dispatch spoke to my husband, moments before he ended his life. I imagine he shared where he was and that he intended to end his life right then and there.
I called you just after I received his goodbye text. I didn’t know yet that he had already spoken to one of you. I appreciate the soothing clarity of your voice as I was facing the darkest minutes of my life. You were the calm I needed. You listened as I begged you to take the situation very seriously. All that existed for me at that moment was shock, and the questions you asked helped me stay grounded. Your clear voice reassured me that the right people would be on their way as soon as they became available. I can’t thank you enough for your calmness and clarity.
I called you back within a half hour when I found out he had purchased a gun. I called to tell you that because it was new news to me. After you confirmed who I was, you said, “A police officer is on his way to you.” I understood there was no more you could tell me. I don’t remember what I said to you. I just remember thinking that if he were alive, you would have said so. Your voice was strong, and it was calmingly confident. I borrowed a bit of that strength when I told family, friends, and coworkers that my husband was gone. I borrowed some of that confidence when I answered questions from people that day. I don’t know how to return these borrowed things. Maybe you didn’t even know they were on loan, but thank you for that. I really needed it.
I think of you often. I can’t express how sorry I am that you heard such panics that day and for all the other days you hear harrowing things. I wish for you all to feel supported. I wish for you to feel appreciated, because you are, every day. I hope you all receive support for your mental health as much as you need. I wish you to know how important you are. I wish for you to get the recognition and encouragement you need. I hope you can create peace every day in your personal lives. I hope you are kind to yourselves, and I hope you take all the time-outs you need. I hope you are treated with respect because you certainly deserve it.
With deep gratitude and high respect today and every day,
Amber Roberts
Widow of Adam Jerry Roberts, RN
