Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and could not fall back asleep. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and wanted to thank everyone who has helped me on my healing journey over the past 8 years. However, I know no one wants to be woken up at three in the morning. So I kept it in and just thought of so many people who have helped me throughout the years. Most of them think what they did was nothing big, but all of these acts mean the world to me. They helped me pick myself up off the floor; they helped me to learn to walk and face life again, and helped me create a new beautiful life.
Let me step back a bit and introduce myself again. Most of you reading this will not know me because I have not been here for a while. February 3, 2016, I lost my first wife to treatment-resistant depression (I don’t mind saying the word suicide, but in reality it was the disease that killed her). There is one significant change in the previous sentence since I last posted: “my first wife.” Last year I remarried.
I do have to admit having two wives that I will love until the day that I die can be emotionally challenging at times for me and my second wife. If you are watching Jane the Virgin, skip the rest of this paragraph, as I do not want to spoil one of the plot twists. I watch this with my second wife. In it, Jane is about to get engaged to Rafael, but her first husband, Michael, is discovered to be alive after the evil criminal in the show makes it look like he died, gives him amnesia, and sends him far away. Jane struggles with whether she should go back to Michael or marry Rafael. I was asked what I would do if my first wife showed up. I don’t know how I would handle that, so I just said that I know that cannot happen. This is a more humorous example, but there are challenges in maintaining love for two different women.
This does not mean that I do not struggle, as I still suffer from depression and anxiety. I still see my therapist. However, my depression and anxiety are manageable now. Last week, in fact, I was hit by a bout of depression. There was, however, another significant trigger for the depression this time. I have had a cold for over a month, with a cough that kept me from sleeping. I needed to cut myself off from people to keep from getting them sick, and I had to stop exercising and hiking because of inflammation in my lungs (my cough is almost gone now, and I am doing much better, so please do not worry about that). I felt bad, but I also have enough experience with this to know that those feelings will pass.
I mark the anniversary of my first wife’s death with a Be Happy party. It is a time that I remember her by remembering the good in my life and asking my friends and family to remember the good in theirs. It is also an opportunity for me to thank everyone who has helped me. I have posted about it in more detail previously, if you want to learn more about its meaning. I forgot to actually say thank you to everyone, which I think led to my poor sleep last night.
While I am not here much, this forum is always on my mind. The people here supported and encouraged me when I needed it most. The forum also gave me an opportunity to help others. I would not have the life that I have today if it were not for the Alliance of Hope. Ultimately, I want to thank everyone who has been part of the Alliance of Hope in the past, present, and future. Those who came before me created the space that welcomed and supported me. Without them, I would not have had this place to go to. Those who walked with me, nurtured me, encouraged me, and supported me gave me the strength to face the world and find my place in it. As a way of honoring my first wife, I wanted to help strengthen the Alliance of Hope for those who followed me and are here now, and those who do not yet need this space but one day will. It helped me find meaning in my new life.
Thank you to everyone who reads this post, has read my previous posts, commented on them, supported and encouraged me, and allowed me to try to encourage and support them. Thank you all.
Wishing you peace
