As a young mother with several children, the death of one of my own never entered my mind. They were healthy and active with school activities, homework, scouts, vacations, and plenty of siblings with whom to play. Then, in 1977, tragedy happened when my 18-year-old son, Steven, died by suicide. He was studious, tended to be a perfectionist, and was always disappointed if he didn’t get all A+’s.
The note he left said he didn’t have a future. That was not realistic. As the years passed, I began to realize some of the alcoholics in our past generations were perhaps coping with their depression. Was Steve quietly and secretly coping with depression?
Later, we became aware that some of our other children were experiencing depression, too. Some found ways to cope in a positive way. One daughter, Julie, began missing family events. This followed years of unemployment, alcoholic consumption, and isolation. We invited her on holidays and to family birthdays, and encouraged her but never enabled her.
How could this happen in our family? Finally, a few years ago, Julie became homeless. I worried that there would be a very sad outcome for Julie. That day came in March when a sheriff came to our home to notify me that Julie had died in a car crash before sunrise while she was a pedestrian.
In the days that followed, my son-in-law expressed concern about the driver and the anxiety he could be experiencing. Our family agreed that we needed to send the driver a supportive letter.
I want to share with you the letter we wrote:
Dear Sir,
Our hearts are broken as this family approaches this difficult subject regarding the death of my daughter and our sister, Julie Koenig. Her life had many ups and downs as she tried to cope with her depression and addictions. We tried to encourage her without enabling her during her 63 years. Some years she was estranged from our family, and that was the case at the present time. My guess is that she was going through one of those dark moments on that Thursday morning. We shall never know the level of depression she was suffering or the reason she walked that road or where she was headed.
We know your role in this terrible event was accidental. There is no way you could have foretold her intention. The investigation by the sheriff states she had stepped into your path, perhaps knowingly, while seeking to silence her all-consuming struggles.
Julie has four surviving siblings, and our entire family is concerned regarding the effect this tragic accident may be causing you. We do not blame you; this was an accident. Julie was the cause. She had a good heart, and I know she was unable to consider the effect this accident could have on you.
I hope you have a family and/or friends who can listen to whatever anguish you may be experiencing. Please get professional help if needed. Please contact me by email if you have questions or concerns.
Julie’s mom,
Marilyn Koenig
Personally, my faith, gospel music, lots of tears, and reaching out to other grieving families have sustained me through all these years. We are all created with tear ducts, and sometimes we need to keep them washed out. It can be heartbreaking when our loved ones suffer with depression. I hope my journey will encourage you to walk out your grief with courage and confidence each day we are given. There are still beautiful days full of sunshine.
