As we enter a new year, I hope you will find moments of peace and healing in the days to come. Each new year brings its own challenges, insights, and reflections, especially for those of us who have experienced shattering loss.
I recently spoke with a mother who told me that New Year’s Day coincided with the first anniversary of her daughter’s death. It struck me that profound loss changes how we perceive special days. Many survivors find that calendar events take on new meaning following the death of a loved one. For example, Christmas is no longer “just Christmas,” but the first, second, or third Christmas since their loved one died. Similarly, survivors encounter the first Easter, Passover, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Memorial Day, and so forth. Anyone who has endured traumatic loss will understand the calendar perspective of one who is bereaved.
There is no universal timeline for grief, especially after losing someone to suicide.
Sometimes, survivors encounter well-intended suggestions that reflect a misunderstanding of grief. One widow I know was recently told, “It’s been two years; you should move on.” But those who have experienced profound grief realize it doesn’t work that way.
Grief doesn’t have a set schedule, but many people do experience similar feelings and challenges after losing someone to suicide. Thankfully, those who are further along in their grieving process often help those who are just starting. They offer reassurance that, over time, the pain will become easier to bear.
Phases of the Grief Journey
One of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Harper Neeld, explores the journey of survivor grief in her award-winning book, Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World. In her work, Neeld outlines seven recognizable phases of the grief journey, emphasizing that these phases are not strictly defined by time and often overlap. She suggests that the phases guide us toward integration of the loss and healing. She highlights that the journey itself serves as a pathway to healing.
When I read her book two years after the death of my stepson, Channing, I related to her insights. As I turned each page, I felt a profound connection to my own emotions and experiences. What moved me most was Neeld’s assertion that each phase also presents a “choice” for the survivor. This concept empowers us to take an active role in our healing process.
The following are abbreviated descriptions of the phases Neeld outlined, along with her choices that empower us through each stage. You can read more in her book or on our website.
- Impact
Neeld points out that the initial phase can feel like being “hit in the gut.” Our bodies respond to the news of a loved one’s death by suicide with physical symptoms: anxiety, despair, anger, trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, and the inability to focus. The shock of loss can leave us feeling numb, anxious, and overwhelmed by grief. The Choice for Impact: To experience and express grief fully. This choice encourages us to allow ourselves to feel and articulate our pain, acknowledging its reality. - The Second Crisis: Stumbling in the Dark
In the months that follow, the impact of loss can feel isolating. You may feel lost and empty, as previous expectations and beliefs about life crumble, leaving a new and painful reality. Many survivors feel consumed by questions, sorrow, blame, or guilt, often wondering if life will ever feel worthwhile again. The Choice for Second Crisis: To endure with patience. This choice reminds us that it’s okay to take time to grieve and that healing is a gradual process. - Observation: Linking the Past to the Present
Neeld points out that in time, and almost imperceptibly, the initial struggle to survive and get through each day begins to shift. Pain softens a bit, leading to a period of deeper reflection. Survivors become better able to acknowledge both the good and the bad in their relationships with those they’ve lost. The Choice for Observation: To look honestly. This choice encourages us to confront our feelings, acknowledging the full spectrum of our experiences and emotions. - The Turn: Turning into the Wind
At some point, survivors begin to turn back into life. They recognize they need to replan their lives. This does not mean forgetting or moving on too quickly but acknowledging that our lives must change to include this loss without being dominated by it. The Choice for The Turn: To replan and change our lives. This choice encourages us to envision our future in a way that honors our loved ones while also allowing for growth. - Reconstruction: Picking Up the Pieces
Neeld notes that moving from internal reflection to external action, takes courage – especially if you are starting over in an unfamiliar place. It is not easy to begin the hard work of making long-term changes while grappling with pain. The Choice for Reconstruction: To take specific actions. This choice encourages us to implement measurable steps toward creating a new life and fulfilling our needs. - Finding Solid Ground
As time passes, the majority of survivors continue to find solutions to the challenges posed by their loss. They reassess their skills and capabilities, and look for ways to make a difference, using the wisdom and strength gained from their devastating experience. The Choice for Finding Solid Ground: To engage in the challenges. This choice prompts us to confront and navigate the internal and external conflicts that arise during our healing journey, allowing us to work through complex emotions rather than avoiding them. - Finding Daylight
Finally, Neeld reminds us that the journey leads to daylight and that survivors can develop a sense of confidence rooted in their ability to navigate their grief. They learn that while pain and loss are inevitable parts of life, they do not have to remain stuck in darkness. The Choice for Finding Daylight: To continue to make and remake choices. This choice emphasizes the importance of actively shaping our lives even after loss, allowing us to integrate our loved ones’ memories into our ongoing narratives.
In The Coming Months
As we step into this new year, I hope you find meaningful ways to honor your loved one and each other—through small acts of kindness, sharing cherished memories, and allowing yourself the space and time to grieve.
Please know that you don’t have to navigate this journey alone; we are here to support one another. I encourage you to take good care of yourself, reach out for support from those who truly understand your pain, and give yourself the patience you deserve as you work through your feelings. It’s perfectly normal to experience a range of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, and even fleeting moments of joy. Each of these feelings reflects the complex nature of grief.
Together, in community, we can continue to lift each other up in healing and seek out the light on even the toughest days.
