You do not know me, but I have read your posts (on the Alliance of Hope Community Forum) and I understand a lot, if not all, of what you have written. My story? I still have my wedding gown that I will never get to wear. I was pregnant at the time. I am not having much fun knowing the baby’s first everything will be without Daddy. She is the youngest of three. The oldest was just past 6. I cannot say I am still here because of my children. I credit God with that.
There were plenty of times when I could not care less about myself or being here to deal with all the shattered pieces of my heart, psyche, and life. At some point, however, I made a choice not to give up, give in, run away, or hide from it all. I gave my word and intend to keep my end of the bargain. We all have a choice. I chose and still choose to keep going, and not because I always want to, either. I have asked what the point of it all is, and you know what? I have no answer, but I decided I did not need one.
I realized I am here, I have a choice, so I chose to keep going whether I feel like it or not.
What I know is this. The rage is real. The guilt, hurt, and anguish are real. After he died, my home went into foreclosure. I had no job and did not qualify for unemployment. My anxiety went haywire and, although I was prescribed meds, I did not take them for fear of harming my unborn who, quite honestly, I had to keep reminding myself was there. Talk about being in a fog! I kept forgetting I was pregnant. I felt like a loser. A failure. To everyone.
With so much on your shoulders, I hope you find someone YOU can lean on for support. I hope that you choose to keep going. Do it for your family or friends. If not for them, then do it for yourself. Do it for all of us here on the forum who, though miles apart, know first-hand the devastation giving up causes. We want the cycle to end. Do it for the one who is sure to come your way and find hope through your story.
You may not feel like it but do it anyway. You may not care, or you may see no point to it all, but you are worth it regardless of your circumstances. Show the people who are silently watching you that you are stronger on the inside than they give you credit for, stronger than YOU may give yourself credit for.
Personally, I am not done with being angry. I am not done with feeling hurt, guilt, anxiety, and indifference. I am not done wishing I could have the life I once knew back. I am not done lying awake at night wondering what happened, how I did not know, WHY I did not see. I am not done crying or having to keep myself together when my children lament because Daddy is gone. I am not done with “HOW DARE YOU!!!” moments. I am not done feeling overwhelmed or done with having to fight to live myself … and not just exist.
I AM done with being a shadow and a hollow shell. I decided that I was unwilling to let life pass without me being a part of it. It is not fun or easy, and sometimes I honestly do not care, but it is not impossible. I am a mother who is stubbornly putting the pieces of a broken dream into a new story, despite the absence of the man who was always there to hold my hand.
I struggle, but I am also still here in spite of it all. I ultimately refuse to be a victim of my circumstances. I am stubborn that way.
I hope I did not anger you. I just felt a need to reach out to you, and my words are sincere. Be well. You deserve it whether you believe it or not. Whether you care right now or not.
Keep in mind the quote, “In everyone’s life at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then relit by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the spirit.” Perhaps your inner fire has burned out. Someone will rekindle it in due time. Keep going so that you will have that moment. Perhaps YOU are the one who will rekindle that fire in another in the future.
Do not give up. Keep moving forward. Moment by moment. No matter how hard it gets, there ARE people on your side. There ARE people who care. There ARE people who would feel pain in losing you, too.