I know that there are no words to describe the feeling of losing a spouse or soul mate or discovering that you cannot control the complete and utter destruction of the life you knew or who you once were. When the person you love ceases to exist, you do as well in that moment. The version of yourself you thought you were disintegrates into nothingness.
What is left are the ashes of your life. Some say that this destruction can be a blessing, even when losing someone you love. And that you are like a newborn baby who now must move toward becoming something different. I believe that in this moment of complete brokenness, destruction, and despair, there is a decision: go into the abyss or strive for the light.
I have been looking back through my life, combing through the darkest moments when I felt utterly alone, and yet I still stood and moved forward. I am trying to compare it to now. All the lessons and decisions I have made led me to this moment.
How do I live without you? The answer is simple. I do. I hold on to faith, love, and memories; I keep them alive in the light of my love for them.
Is this an easy task? No, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It feels like I am walking through life with 1000 lbs. of cement blocks on my feet; each step takes all my strength. Pair that with the pain of grief in my body. Yes, you can feel grief in your body, and it hurts. Sharp stabbing pains. The ache that won’t go away. As I try and chase it away, it moves, ebbs, and flows, and then punches me in the gut and rips my heart out all over again, like a hamster on a wheel. There is no avoiding it. It has become a part of my life.
I have learned that one can exist with this grief and happiness in the same space; it is ok to feel good for a moment. I had to rationalize that feeling happy for a bit wasn’t a betrayal of the pain and sadness I should be feeling for the loss but rather a recharging of energy to get me through the infinite days ahead.
I have also learned that my faith and the fire of my faith have to be nurtured. I have to make sure I sit with the Gods and make an oath that I will not give up and will do whatever it takes to move through this and come out the other side.
I must also make this oath to my friends and family who watch me as I go through this; I do not know where I would be now without all of you. I am forever grateful for those who, even when I go dark, still reach out, still send me silly things, talk my ear off, make me understand, and feel I am not alone.
I am so grateful for the Alliance of Hope forum, the messages of support, and the replies to my posts. I am forever in your debt. The words “thank you” are not enough.
