In the aftermath of suicide loss, survivors face a profoundly challenging grief journey. They must deal with their own (and others’) powerful and debilitating emotions, as well as a multitude of practical issues resulting from the death or absence of their loved one. I have often said that “losing a loved one to suicide brings high-functioning people to their knees.”
Those who have lost a loved one know how painful the journey can be and how desperately we search for things that might soften the pain. Sadly, there is no single action that can fully end the suffering experienced on the grief journey; however, there are certain common-sense actions that help along the way. Engaging with loved ones and others who understand, caring for our bodies, and finding meaningful ways to remember the deceased can all contribute to easing the burden of grief.
In recent years, as the stigma around suicide and mental health has decreased, survivors have become more willing to talk about their loss. They are also now better able to connect with each other, thanks largely to the internet. In decades past, survivors were very isolated in their grief. Now, online communities and Zoom meetings offer a space for people to share their experiences and support one another. Those who are further along in their grief journeys often share helpful tips with those who are new to loss.
One of the most common pieces of advice shared among survivors is the importance of setting functional boundaries. By establishing boundaries, individuals can protect their emotional space and build a supportive environment that helps them navigate the complexities of their grief.
Recognize Your Needs: The first step in setting boundaries during grief is recognizing your emotional needs. Losing a loved one can evoke very intense feelings—such as guilt, anger, or deep sorrow—and these feelings can be made worse in certain situations or conversations. Trust your instincts with regard to identifying individuals or situations that drain your energy. For instance, if conversations with a particular person make you more upset, limit your interactions. If large gatherings feel overwhelming, avoid them until you are ready to participate again. Understanding and acknowledging your needs is crucial for effectively setting boundaries.
Communicate Clearly: Once you recognize your needs, it’s important to communicate them clearly to your friends, family, and co-workers. This might involve explaining your need for space or requesting a different kind of support. Clear communication helps them understand how best to support you. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being, even if it feels uncomfortable to assert your needs. Getting past the worry of being “nice” can be liberating; you’re not responsible for managing others’ emotions at the expense of your healing.
Say No Without Guilt: One of the most empowering aspects of setting boundaries is the ability to say no without feeling guilty. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline invitations or requests that do not align with your current emotional state. Learning to say no provides the necessary space for healing. Phrases like “I need to take a break from doing that for a while” can be liberating.
Establish Conversational Boundaries: Setting conversational boundaries involves choosing which topics you’re ready to discuss. You don’t have to answer questions or discuss something just because someone else wants to. For example, if talking about your loved one’s last days feels overwhelming, it’s okay to say, “I appreciate your concern, but could we avoid discussing that right now?” Or “I’m sorry, but that is too painful to discuss right now.” This helps create a space where you feel safe and can focus on healing without the added pressure to engage in upsetting conversation.
Protect Your Time: As you navigate grief, consider scheduling and prioritizing dedicated periods for self-care and reflection. Engaging in activities that promote healing rather than draining your energy is vital. Whether journaling, spending time in nature, or simply enjoying quiet moments, carving out this time can create a sense of control amid the chaos of loss.
Conclusion: In the wake of suicide loss, setting functional boundaries is important. Recognizing your needs, communicating them clearly, and allowing yourself to say no can help create an environment that encourages healing. Remember that boundaries are invisible fences that can protect you by honoring your emotions and safeguarding your well-being during this profoundly challenging time.
