Hi guys,
I wanted to share a coping strategy I have found helpful. It is something my sister and I have done for years when times are stressful, or we’re overwhelmed. We have continued to do it since my mother died. Now we focus more on dealing with loss and the nature of her death, but it has proven to be helpful for us throughout our lives. We often call it “flip the script.” It is easy to do with someone who knows and understands you.
We both have bad anxiety, so sometimes our fears are not completely rational, but this always calms us both. We begin by saying our fears or things we’re very stressed about, and the worst-case scenarios that could result.
I’ll share mine to protect her privacy:
- I fear I’ll always struggle with the last image of my mother, and it will eventually lead me to lose it.
- I fear I’ll be a terrible mother since I don’t have one to guide me and wasn’t raised by a functional one.
- I fear I’m too young to be buying a second house and I’m in over my head and I’m going to put myself in financial turmoil.
- I fear I’m behind at work and that I have forgotten to send out something important since I’ve been so swamped and it will lead to me getting written up or fired.
Okay, now my sister will flip the script for me, and tell me how my worries could have positive outcomes that are also reasonable and rational. For example, she might tell me:
- You’re doing EMDR. It is going to help. With therapy and time, you will be able to remember and see mom in a happy way. Also, you are taking care of your mental health so you will not lose your mind.
- You will learn from experience and from mom’s mistakes. You will break the generational trend. You will also be a good mother since you’re strong and you’ll have your sisters to help you; we’ll learn from each other.
- You’ve already owned your first home for over 2 years and have done well with it. You’ve done your research before making this decision. You’ve been saving and are taking your time. There’s no rush; when you find the right one you’ll be ready. Plus, you’re investing in your future.
- Work has been crazy for us both and everyone in our field. It’s a crazy time of year and people understand. You’re feeling anxious because it’s near mom’s one-year mark and you’re overwhelmed. But you know what you’re doing and typically don’t mess up. Your boss also knows you’re a good employee and would not fire you over one mistake. You’re just doubting yourself. Don’t worry.
Just having her flip these for me and show me a positive outcome when I am feeling very anxious is so helpful. When anxiety strikes it is really hard to believe everything will work out and it’s very easy to get in your own head. Since losing our mother our anxiety has increased, but we’ve maintained this practice. It helps even if you must do it 5 times a day some days. I encourage it. Sometimes we all need someone’s help to flip the script.
