Being a long-time survivor of the loss of my son, I’ve collected a ton of interesting articles and snippets over the years. I found one this morning and I’m sharing this because I’ve felt the same way.
In an essay published on The Mighty, one mother wrote:
“I am mourning the loss of my son Tom’s daily presence including his sense of humor, his generous spirit, his helpfulness, his playfulness, his sarcasm, and his ‘one raised eyebrow’ look. I physically ache for him. I miss his half smile. I miss mothering him, even nagging him about school, and putting his dirty clothes in the laundry room. I miss hugging and encouraging him. … and I am also mourning the way he died. If it had happened some other way, there might be someone or something to blame. A drunk driver. An arrogant doctor. A terrible ailment. God. But for him to die in this way allows me no one to blame but a dark, lonely, and — at least in Tom’s case — invisible illness which calls too many to this end.” ~Kimberly Starr
Instinctively, I knew that if my child died in any other way, I would have handled it very differently. I would have even had a reason not to heal because “life is so unfair” and “it is unfair that children die before their parents.” Now, with it being a suicide, there was not much of a choice but to change my perceptions and beliefs to accommodate healing. Also, we grew up with a lot of judgment (it is a generational thing.) It took me many years to step out of that mindset. And yes, it is a mindset that can be changed. We just need to be willing to see what we are doing and be willing to not continue in the same manner.
If my child died in a vehicle accident, I would have blamed the other driver. Or whomever for whatever — the possibilities are endless. I know that because I know myself. His death by his own hand forced me to look inside myself and find my answers there. There was nobody to blame. Nobody forced him to do what he did. And maybe nobody could have prevented this either.
Yet, I did blame myself. It took a long time to realize that nobody is to blame — not me, not my child, not life, not God — nobody.
It is what it is and it is sad and because of that, this was a wake-up call like no other. Sometimes life gives you a horrible blow, but it doesn’t mean that it was wrong or unfair. If I don’t judge it, it is neither good nor bad but just “is.”