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I Never Really Had Control

It’s been four years since my husband ended his life and I still find that “one day at a time” is enough to handle. I actually get dizzy when I try to live in the past or think too far ahead into a future. Before my husband died, I thought I could control my life and the life of my family, fixing things just right, making everything okay. I blamed myself when things didn’t go well. Now, I understand I never really had control.

Thinking about life as a “journey” helps. Living is like being on one of those rubber boats filled with people paddling down a river over rapids and rocks and calm water. It’s the boat and the current that make the real decisions, but we can hold on and try to make it to periods of calm water where we do have some say in the direction we will go.

Some people – those around us who have not gone through a tragedy – are like I used to be. They don’t even realize they are on the boat.