As I lay awake last night with my incessant insomnia, it came to me that two opposing sides or factions are breathing within me. There is the wounded one who still grieves her loss and expresses her needs when least expected. She sometimes needs to cry and be acknowledged that she is still alive and kicking. There are times when she needs to be nurtured and cared for. In the darkness of the night, I came to the harsh realization that she will likely be with me the rest of my life.
I am almost six years out now. This April 19th will mark the day when Claude took his life, and my world crumbled around me. I have been slowly putting the pieces of my life and my heart back together since that devastating day. Mind you, these pieces have changed and rearranged themselves over time. My life has been forever altered. This part of me still feels the loss in the deepest sense and still misses her husband and the sweet little family created together. She is the one who still lingers in grief. She is the one who remembers vividly what it felt like to find her beloved dead in their attic. She is the one who has relived that moment hundreds of times, feeling the anguish in her heart and the gut-wrenching pain.
Then there is the other side—the one who celebrates all that has transpired since Claude left because she has a broader understanding of life’s big picture. She understands that we are all living within our own individual soul stories, where we learn and experience our lives’ ups and downs as only a human being on this earth plane can. She knows there is really no death, only transitions to other realms that we humans have a limited capacity to understand.
She sees Claude’s transition has served an important purpose in her and their son’s lives. Because of his suicide, she and their son are living in a beautiful CO city that is much more supportive of each of their individual needs and have created a life filled with purpose, despite or actually because of this loss. She understands that while this was truly the most intense and most painful experience of her life, it has also been the most potent, filled with the most rewards and gifts along its tortured and arduous path. She is filled with gratitude for the whole ball of wax. She is grateful that she has had the strength to stay alive through the many times when she wanted to give up, with thoughts of suicide herself. To be alive and by her son’s side, continuing to be a supportive influence, is one of her most coveted joys.
Living with two opposing forces can have its challenges. However, they both hold valuable currency. She who carries the grief serves the purpose of feeling and processing her loss, which goes deeper as time passes. Without this, there can be no healing. She who holds the message of the truth of this life holds the key to understanding. Without this, there can be no hope for the future or forward momentum, and we would ultimately be trapped in an inner world filled with suffering and hopelessness.
On another note: I wanted to mention that if Claude were still alive, we would be celebrating his 60th birthday on the 20th of this month. I was eight months older than he was, so each year for a brief time, we would be the same age in number anyway. Not sure why, but I always enjoyed that. When I remembered the other day that he would have been 60, my grieving side cried immediately with no hesitation yet at the same time I was able to celebrate the fact that he was no longer in pain and that we had 18 years in which we were able to celebrate together when he was still with us. So this year on your birthday, Claude, I will raise a glass to you, my beloved dear one, grateful for the life and love we shared and for your continued guidance and loving support from the unseen world.
It is my deepest wish that this message contains some significant insights and clarity for you on your unique journey through life’s passage. May 2018 bring you closer to joy and healing all that causes you suffering, leading to a deeper level of understanding and the truth that is your life and your soul.
With love and gratitude,
Cara Hope Clark
