My husband loved celebrating, and I loved celebrating with him. He and I marked our first dates on our Google calendars: first lunch, first dance, first picnic, and so on. His calendar notifications still come to me. I fail to see myself turning off these little reminders of how we lived and loved. They are part of my story.
These memories were so hard for me last year. I was covered in sadness and despair, and was viewing all things through the lens of shock and loss as I faced the reality that the last time I celebrated with him was the last time we would celebrate together. I was hurt beyond belief. How could I not be? I was doing my best. We all were.
That lens of shock is still there, and I can pick it up any time I want to. However, besides this, I see other lenses that I might try instead this year.
This season, I’d like to view through the lens of forgiveness. Viewing the past through this lens, I can reflect on all the ways I tried to help him and all the actions I took to show him that he was loved. With this lens, I can see my goodness and my humanity, and I can forgive myself for not knowing how to save him. I can forgive myself for not knowing what was going on in his head. I can see that I did the best with what information I had at the time. I can forgive myself.
I can also look at the ways he was trying to save himself, and the anxiety, depression, and fear he went through. I know it all had nothing to do with me. I can understand how hard he tried to stay, how hard he tried to overcome. He wanted an easy way, and there just is no easy way when it comes to feelings. I can forgive him for not knowing how to save himself. I can see that he did the best he could with what information he had. I can forgive him.
This is a good lens for me to use. This is a way to reclaim myself, after feeling lost for so very long. This is a lens of freedom because it holds so much truth.
