So after nearly four years, I have decided to finally begin to add color into my wardrobe again. I guess it is a form of surrender. I have to surrender to what is. Helena is physically no longer with us. And I have no choice other than to live.
And so I found a beautiful salmon pink colored sweater at the thrift store where I work. It is so soft. I took it home to try it on. I fell in love with it because the arms were long enough—ha-ha! I decided to wear it to my daughter’s house to babysit yesterday.
After the young ones got up and had breakfast, while we did art projects and made a mess on the table, I took off my coat. The dance party had started! We like to play music and get up and move, and it is the most precious thing in the world to see—their little, tiny bodies wiggling around and expressing joy and showcasing the flexibility I wish I still had!!!!
When my almost four-year-old granddaughter saw the pink sweater underneath my little coat, she froze! She couldn’t take her eyes off of it. She complimented it, she had to rub it and touch it and tell me how much she loved it. It was like the universe conspired to show me that this was important somehow. A commitment to life. A reward that I didn’t fail to notice. I realize how lucky I am. This was one of the sweetest moments. Grateful.
Later, when we went back to our art table and were experimenting with stampers and ink pads, she could not resist wiping her blue fingers down my left shoulder! Ha!
This child was three months old when Helena took her own life. She was surrounded by grieving adults who did their best to be there for her. There will always be a smear of blue somewhere in life. Especially when we think about our baby daughter who brought us so much joy. Gone beyond!
When I look at pictures, it is so easy to see whether or not Helena was still alive by what I am wearing. I’m glad that I made that distinction, because it seemed like an important statement. Although if you look at our faces in the pictures, it is always easy to see before and after—even if we are smiling.
Before May 15th of 2021, we had no clue how beautiful life was. It always felt like a struggle. We have received a real education these last four years. In the University of the Universe.
I plan to continue the hunt for a rainbow of clothing. Today’s sweater is fuchsia with a big white heart in the middle!!! It is just an outline, so it is open in the middle! May our hearts stay open. Michael Singer says, no matter what happens, never let anything cause your heart to close. Trying. There is no death, only transformation ♥️
