Stuck at home with COVID. Silly question, I know, but where did it come from? Who did I stop and chat with who had a scratchy throat and maybe thought it was allergies, like me?
Oh my goodness. Plucked out of life. Sitting at home when the weather is so beautiful. I went outside again to get some sun, and I asked Helena for a sign.Ā
I was picking up sticks and found a perfect little H-shaped stick arrangement. And then the wind picked up! Epic gusts!
āI am a thousand winds that blow.ā ~Mary Elizabeth Frye
āThe strongest wind cannot stagger a spirit; it is a spirit’s breath.ā ~Henry David Thoreau
And when I saw the little birch leaf riding the wind, just to entertain me? I thought of Thich Nhat Hanh.
I lay in the saucer swing we got for my grandson during the pandemic and looked up at the clouds. And I thought to myself that our loved ones should be here, experiencing this beautiful day just as we are.Ā
But they are not. And we have to learn how to live with it. We must learn to see them differently. No longer able to drive a car, come home, or make a phone call. No choice. We have to see this in a new way, and it’s hard.
I missed out on my grandson’s first baseball game, a baby shower for one of Helena’s friends, and a play at the theater where she used to take drama classes. I know that there will be other opportunities for me to do things, and this is okay. I can live with the disappointment, and I’ve already let it go. The real Wonder is that I wanted to do any of those things at all. Because for at least two and a half to three years, I didn’t care about doing anything.
But my friends here were right, and the grief does soften; we can keep going for them. I keep getting little surprise memories, and I never saw that coming. After four years, I may have explored every dark corner, but tidbits keep coming, and so I will try to stay open.
Thanks for keeping me company. I’m feeling a bit lonely, and my husband never seems to want to talk. Sigh. We are all so different.
I think I’ll go hunt for a certain snapshot. I found a picture of Helena, but you can’t see her face, and there’s a lot of controversy about whether it’s her. Haha. She’s about 10 years old, and she’s lying on her back at the county fair on a stage, and a little tiny pig is running towards her. I remember feeling surprised that she would raise her hand to volunteer for this pig-related activity. Haha.
But I’m pretty sure it’s her.
Sorry for rambling. Thanks for being there.
