In Remembrance of Zachary

My Sweet Zachary,

I’ve tried so desperately in many different ways to try and figure out how to cope without you not being here with me. It is the most devastating experience I’ve EVER had to endure. I do not wish it upon ANY PARENT. It is truly the WORST, UNIMAGINABLE TRAGEDY, and I truly MEAN THE WORST ULTIMATE HEARTBREAKING life experience of any being in our Universe!

There isn’t ANY GREATER LOVE THAN A MOTHER HAS FOR HER CHILD. I PROMISE YOU! I LOVE YOU INFINITELY, more and more every single day. It only grows stronger for me as the Seasons pass. I’m getting older and weaker by the day. I am aware of my current situation, and I do believe that I am at peace with my body resting and excited for my SOUL AND SPIRIT to be free from the constant stress and pain I feel most days. Most importantly, I will experience pure joy and happiness when I see YOU AGAIN!!!!

One thing is for sure, I WILL NEVER FORGET the day that you were born. I was awed by seeing your beautiful face, blue eyes,  and red hair. It takes a Mother AND a Father to make the MOST ever so precious and not so common, “recessive” gene to create THE MOST Beautiful, Perfect, Precious Baby Boy or Girl that the World is not even closely privileged to see! PERIOD!

MY PERFECT red-haired and blue-eyed Baby Boy! No questions, no doubts, hands down, YOU were meant to be here on our planet and BABY; YOU MADE AN IMPACTFUL and  INCREDIBLE DIFFERENCE TO EVERYONE  that had the pleasure of knowing YOU!!!!

Trust me when I say that THEY ARE FOREVER CHANGED because YOU CAME INTO THEIR LIFE!!! I swear that I was touched beyond words. How humble and kind you were!

YOU were an UNMATCHABLE PERFECT Human being who was TRULY, BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, THE ABSOLUTE VERY DEFINITION OF A KIND, beautiful and perfect individual THAT HAS BLESSED THE ENTIRE WORLD, FOREVER and YES, I know that for a FACT! YOU, MY LOVE, changed me for the BEST version I’ve ever been!

YOU, my Son were the 1% of the WORLD'S population, YES, Sir, YOU  inherited this VERY, VERY SPECIAL UNIQUENESS! My sweet Boy, you were like NOBODY ELSE I’VE EVER, EVER met my ENTIRE LIFE, or ever likely will. YOU, Sir, managed to do THE VERY BEST at such a young age, MY LOVE, YOU WERE JUST 24, a month shy of 25. I promise when I say that YOU have surpassed me WAY beyond my expectations and capabilities.

I’m SO EXTREMELY PROUD OF YOU, MY LOVE!!!! ZACHARY, you taught me how to be kind, forgiving, and loving to others when they needed it the most.

I remember you being short of lunch money quite frequently, and I finally asked you why. You ever so humbly said to me, “Mom, some of my friends don’t have anything to eat, or their Parents don’t give them money for lunch, so I help them out occasionally.” Honestly, at that very moment, my heart wept and rejoiced, knowing that YOU were there caring for others, as you did so throughout your brief journey here.

Zachary, you made me happy, confused, inspired, motivated, crazy, scared, worried, frustrated, frightened, angry, and most importantly, PROUD, GRATEFUL, and extremely BLESSED to have had YOU AND ONLY YOU as my son and Baby, my sweet Sunshine. I could not imagine how my life would be without YOU ever being in it!!!
I carry your pain with me, every single second of every single waking moment. I need to be able to sleep - not move an inch through the night. 

I saw firsthand your pain, the extremely heartbreaking moments when you were in complete pain and darkness as you struggled through depression and anxiety. My entire body felt everything you felt, and my heart felt the deepest empathy I’ve ever experienced. You are my Son, and I desperately wanted you to overcome your fears and pain. I will forever be in a place of sadness and despair without you. 

It’s been countless therapy sessions, and I can’t pull myself together most days. It’s unrelenting to breathe, knowing you’re not with me here anymore. I have peace and love in my soul when I am with your Brother and his Daughters. They truly are my strength and entire world since you have been temporarily separated from me. I know you see them and LOVE them as deeply as I do. 

Your Nieces are THE ABSOLUTE picture of PERFECTION!  Keep watching over them AND your Older Brother, who is/has been struggling dearly without you near him. 
I can’t imagine the extreme pain he’s gone through without his Baby Brother. That, too, hurts my soul to know he lives without you, my Sweet Boys.

I’m FOREVER GRATEFUL to have been BLESSED with you BOTH. Please, please, my Baby Boy, PLEASE know that I am with you, with EVERY breath I take and every beat of my heart. I will rejoice in the ABSOLUTE moment that I WILL hold your precious self in my arms again. 

I can’t express how deep my LOVE has ALWAYS BEEN FOR YOU! 

I prayed for you, I wanted you so passionately and I was OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, JOY and the MOST PRECIOUS PURE LOVE I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE, from the very beginning, when I held you, ever so close, for the first time, you were so tiny, a month premature and I swore, in that moment that I would do everything necessary to protect  you.

I failed you and your Brother. 

Your Brother is an AWESOME, AMAZING, AND VERY PRESENT DADDY! I am forever grateful that my granddaughter and your nieces are blessed to have him in their lives. I just know that he will ALWAYS LOVE his Daughters, no matter what, and will PROTECT THEM WITH HIS LIFE AND ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM. I’m so very proud of him, he works his butt OFF DAILY, and I see happiness in his eyes when he’s in the presence of his Baby Girls.

To those of you who have managed to take the time to read through this, please understand that I know it’s not even close to being in an orderly fashion.  Truthfully and quite honestly, I have never treaded these waters before, and it has been nearly six years since my Son ended his life.

I feel like I've actually had a conversation with my son, which I’ve so desperately longed for many, many years. So, I suppose this was for me. Apologies for being selfish.

This is my first and probably my last time publicly speaking about my experience on an online forum.  I’ve been working on my story for hours now and can’t write any anymore. I am mentally exhausted from it.  

I think of my Son every single moment of my day. I also think of YOU as Parents, Sons, Daughters, Brothers, Sisters, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and ALL extended family members who have been traumatized by tragically losing a loved one from the one word that I weep for and despise the most.

My name is Mom, and my Son ended his life by Suicide

In Memory of my Sweet Sunshine,

Zachary 

I will love you forever and eternally. 

Love,

Mom