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In Remembrance of Jean

2021 - 2021

I still love you, mom.

22 thoughts on “Jean”

Jenn says:

November 8, 2021 at 2:08 am

I am so sorry I did not recognize your signals of overwhelming despair and aloneness.
I failed to see how much pain you were experiencing. Please forgive me. You were everything to me. I still love you.
I pray that you have found peace and that you no longer feel so alone.

I think about you and miss you every day. You were everything to me. I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

November 11, 2021 at 3:44 am

I took this photo of you with my first camera. It took two weeks for the photo to be developed. When the photo arrived you were gone. I see you now, and always with such sadness in your smile. I stay awake at night hoping for answers. It was just two weeks…two weeks. You were everything to me. I pray that you are at peace. I still love you.

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Jenn says:

November 16, 2021 at 3:33 am

I am still haunted by our last days together before your departure.
I remember watching you as you threw away your clothes.
I remember telling you how much I loved you.
I remember feeling so helpless.
I knew you needed support and I wasn’t enough.
I pray that you have found peace. I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

November 22, 2021 at 2:03 am

I wanted to be enough.

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Jenn says:

November 30, 2021 at 3:18 am

You were my light. I still love you.

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1. Jenn says:
  
  January 19, 2022 at 2:59 am
  
  As the anniversary of your suicide approaches, I lay awake, thinking about you.
  
  I wish I could have saved you.
  
  I love you forever.
  
  Reply
  1. Jenn says:
    
    March 28, 2022 at 1:49 am
    
    When you died, part of me died with you.
    I find myself living in two separate realms : that of the living and that of the dead.
    In my sleep, I see you there, struggling to survive, but unable to cope.
    I am forced to watch your downward spiral, followed by your departure to another realm.
    I try to save you, but I am paralyzed. I am mute.
    I pray that you know peace.
    
    I will love you forever.
Jenn says:

May 1, 2022 at 3:47 am

As I age, every birthday is a reminder that
we are eternally connected.

I reflect upon the life you gave me,
only to take your own some years later.

Time has not healed the pain and mystery
of your choice.

I am left with a constant recounting of interwoven memories and flashbacks leading
up to your suicide.

The turmoil of loss and your choice to die envelopes me as I sleep.

You are there, and I am still here,

yet you are all around me.

I wish I could have saved you.

Reply
1. Jenn says:
  
  May 8, 2022 at 7:43 pm
  
  On this, the evening of Mother’s Day,
  
  I am still holding your hand, even
  
  though it has slipped away from me.
  
  I am still holding on.
  
  I still love you.
  
  Reply
Jenn says:

October 10, 2022 at 3:31 am

As your birthday nears,
and the seasons shift,
I find myself thinking about you and
missing you more than ever.

I find myself cycling repeatedly through
depression, just as you did before you
died.

Mom, your departure left a gaping hole
in my heart.

Please talk to me.

Reply
Jenn says:

November 3, 2022 at 1:32 am

I will always remember your birthday and

the sadness in your smile.

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

December 21, 2022 at 1:25 am

As the Holidays approach,

I am thinking about you all the time.

I am still trying to understand
your choice to die.

Please help me understand.

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

December 23, 2022 at 4:11 am

The holiday season is here again and

I keep thinking about our last moments

together.

I miss you every day.

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn Cioccia says:

January 11, 2023 at 12:59 am

It’s January again, the month of your suicide.
I’m still trying to understand your death.
I spend hours searching for answers on my phone and in my heart.
I read about other daughters and their mother’s suicide.
I read about Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and anxiety disorders, all conditions we both share.
I read about suicide.
I go to therapy.
I take medication.
Your choice to die still hurts.
I see your face when I look in the mirror.
When I look down, I see your hands.

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

January 22, 2023 at 2:22 am

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

January 22, 2023 at 10:12 pm

Today is the day of your suicide,
all those years ago.

Time has not healed the loss of you.
The trauma of losing you still envelopes me
as I sleep.

My heart hurts when I think about your pain.
My heart hurts when I think about you.
My heart hurts most of the time.

I am still here.
I am still missing you, and I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

February 10, 2023 at 3:08 am

My heart hurts when I think about your pain.

My heart hurts when I think about you.

My heart hurts most of the time.

I am still here.

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

February 19, 2023 at 3:15 am

I’m still here. I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

March 6, 2023 at 2:52 am

Today I found the gold cross
you gave me for confirmation.

I lost you to suicide before the
church service.

I wore the cross in your absence.
I wear the cross in your absence.

I am always missing you.
I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

April 17, 2023 at 3:46 am

I live in the shadow of your suicide.

I am still haunted by memories of that night.

My heart hurts for you.

I am always missing you. I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

May 14, 2023 at 3:43 am

It’s Mother’s Day, and I am still here…

and you are there.

I am still missing you.

I still love you.

Reply
Jenn says:

August 10, 2023 at 3:35 am

I am still missing you. I still love you.

Reply

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