In Remembrance of Fengyu “Kelley” Chen

Kelley,

I want to forgive you, I just don't know how. I believe I have forgiven you, and the next day I'm back to anger and sadness. You were my best friend with whom I could be myself. I feel so betrayed, and I fear can no longer trust another. 

However, you left a part of you behind to give me hope to keep going. Our son, Jacob, who is now 11 and doing well despite not having his mother. He was only 3 when you left us. It breaks my heart to know he has had to be so strong so young. 

He rolled away from me and wept silently the night after. I will never forget that. That was the moment he realized you were not coming back. The moment you broke his little heart in two. The moment you shattered what was left of mine. 

He has so much of you in him. Sometimes your laugh will come out from him.  He has your sense of humor and outgoing personality. Little things he does that you used to do, but he has no way of knowing that. I know he hurts, but will not admit it. So please look after him, Kelley. You owe him that. 

You were a wonderful mother and friend. You were just lost and your demons blinded you to that truth. I try to remind myself of that truth. My demons are powerful and have tried hard to destroy me. But forgiveness is in my heart and will forgive you and myself for our son's sake. I just don't know when. But, I do know that forgiveness is the only way to be free and live. And I will be here to show Jacob how to live. I hope to see you again, and I promise to always be there for our son. Rest in peace, Honey Bee. ❤️