In Remembrance of Eric J. Meder

Eric Joseph, 

Only when I lost you did I fully begin to realize the silent struggle you were enduring. I wish so bad I would have seen it when you were here, but you didn't want me to. I seen you happy, impulsive, and many other things that I now know were the clues to what was to come. The day you died, a part of me went with you. Instead of planning our wedding, your parents planned your memorial. Just a month ago we were on the beach in Cali talking about eloping while we were there. I regret not doing it.

Love, I wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes. From the moment we met, I knew you were it for me. You are so amazing. So loving and you have a beautiful heart. I think back over our times together and I can't help but smile, laugh, cry and get mad. I'm so mad you left all too soon. I needed more time with you. I still do.

These last couple of days I've been thinking about the first time you ever played Johnny Cash by KidRock for me. You were so happy and so shocked to find a song you could show me. Then you sang it to me in the car driving and at the top of your lungs. God I loved when you did that. I just never told you. 

I remember when we went to Santa Monica Pier for the day while in California. That was the single most incredible day with you. Riding the roller coaster, walking the beach barefoot, the water so cold it took our breathe when the tide came up a little too high, then while taking a picture the ocean tried to steal our shoes which I thought were safe. We laughed so hard we cried. On the way out you made me stop. In the middle of the pier you made me dance with you with everyone watching yet all I seen was you. My future husband, my best friend, and the absolute love of my life. In that moment, I was the happiest person alive.

On the way out of Santa Monica we stopped in Venice and watched one last sunset over the ocean. You took out your phone and you took a picture with you kissing me. That picture truly speaks a thousand words. The love we have for each other was written within it. 

Yet after coming home it's ended up being like living my worst nightmare everyday. Not long after our return you left the house and you never came back. When the cops came in the house to break the news I begged my mother to please wake me up. Yet I was already awake. I am so lost. 

Over the summer you made me make a promise to you that no matter where we went in life, no matter what happened, we would find each other on the other side. When I asked why you explained, so I made the promise. Right now it's the absolute only hope I have in my ability to get through life without you. Knowing one day I will see you again, just as we promised.

Love, I know you couldn't see this when you were here but I hope that in death you are free of the demons that drowned you here. I hope you feel and see the love I hold for you. You were always enough for me. Far more than and way more than I deserved, yet you were mine and god knows I felt so special because of that. 

I know right now isn't my time to join you despite the desperation of wanting to. I still have things I need to do here. Yet like the song I played for you that night in your car said, "If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through. I don't know how long I'll be but I'm not gonna let you down. Darling wait and see and between now and then until I see you again I'll be loving you...Love Me"

I love you to the Stars and Back, Eric Joseph... Always.