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In Remembrance of Deborah Dianne Chesnut

1953 - 2018

It was June 7, 2018 and we spoke on the phone for a few hours. Before we hung up, we said we'd catch up tomorrow and pick up the conversation. We hung up the phone promptly at 12 am.

Tomorrow is what we both said. But tomorrow.......tomorrow your call never came.

Tomorrow brought one of those drop everything you're doing and ponder whether you're having a very, very bad nightmare phone calls. It was a detective. He wanted to inform me that you had passed at 12:44 am. 

44 minutes........

44 minutes after we hung up the phone, you were gone.

It's still too difficult to replay that particular conversation or any of the preceding conversations in my head. The only remaining thing I actually knew was that your soul had left your physical body and nothing else in the world made sense anymore.

44 minutes......

It still doesn't make sense and there's a high probability that it never will. 

After your passing, I would recognize very clearly when you would come visit me or your presence was nearby. It was mostly during those first 3 months. It soothed me deeply and created an unexplainable wave of peace and stillness that covered my entire body and soul. 

It's now been 5 months since your passing. Sadly, I haven't felt your presence in almost 2 months and I need you now more than ever. The kids need you. 

When something happens with my kids, my instinct is to call you. Then I remember, I can't, they can't, none of us can.

Your spirit, soul, zest for life and energy makes your suicide unbelievable by ALL of your friends and family. This of course, does not help the grieving process. And we're all still a bit in denial.

As your only child, your babygirl and who had a unique telepathic connection with I can't put in words how my heart, soul and body hurt knowing what type of pain you must have been in. 

I wish I could have done more, been more, recognized more. Sadly, the fact is, I can't change any of it. The ONLY thing I can and have done since this tragedy is attempt to help others know that they're not alone.

Suicide is never the answer. The devastation and burden left for your loved ones to carry is more than one could EVER imagine.

YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE WANTED. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE NEEDED.

To my mom ~ I love you dearly and you will forever and always be missed.

Fly high and fly far, for you are free

 

She made broken look beautiful
and strong look invincible.
She walked with the Universe
on her shoulders and made it
look like a pair of wings.

- Ariana Dancu