In Remembrance of Colin Ryan Leonard

Right in the middle of our life, on an ordinary day, the unthinkable happened.

Everything went from ordinary to chaotic and there I stood, in the mess of it all, knowing there will now forever be a before and after. 

That day. We lost Colin.

Some days he was a bright, witty, likable guy.  Other days he was withdrawn, distraught, sad & lost to his plaguing mental illness and substance abuse. 

His challenges were difficult and we did our best to get him the help and support we felt he needed. We endured years of this together. It was bigger than both of us and troubling to understand what more we could do. Was there a medication combination that would ever make his life manageable? He turned to his faith, which seemed to get him through some of his darkest days. We continued to be hopeful that we could get through this. 

I accompanied him to doctors, facilities, support groups, letting him know he wasn't fighting his battles alone. I continued to pray and loved him unconditionally. But in the end, I still lost him. 

He was complying with all that was necessary but he was getting tired. Feeling lost. Feeling like a burden. Losing joy in things that worked for him before. His anxiety, depression and paranoia became elevated as they/we continued to change and juggle medications hoping one was going to make that difference to put a smile back on his face and bring back the son I knew.  

He loved the ocean.  It was his happy place. He loved to surf, fish, snorkel, dive and just put his feet in the sand and face to the sun. He leaves behind his beautiful dog Marley who was happy by his side and in his company. He was still searching for that special "someone" but keeping a relationship was difficult with his ongoing issues. He had some great friends over the years.  A few stayed in touch but most got lost over time and as things got worse for him. He attended college and got a beginners Welding degree. He had many jobs over the years, preferring to do more labor intensive jobs such as construction and working with his hands. He loved to sketch and listen to music. On most days, he'd be found by the water.

He didn't leave a lot unsaid. He wrote me letters, texts, drawings, emails appreciating my support and love. Committing to stay strong and work hard to make the changes he knew would bring him a simple, happy life. I believed we could do this. We could get there. I never gave up that hope. But he was losing his resilience.

He is in far gentler hands now, and after so much pain, finally at peace. I am left with so many memories. Some good, some bad. I'm choosing to focus on the better days, who he was before the illness and addictions took hold of him. Where there is deep grief, there was great love. 

So I have taken my time to process all of these feelings. I get it. I forgive him but a piece will always be missing for me. It's time for the healing to begin. I am grateful for the time I had with him and look forward to reuniting one day. My one regret is that I didn't hug him tighter and longer the day I didn't realize would be our last together. 

I Love you Colin, always will.