To my Dad,
My heart aches just thinking how lonely and low you must have felt. You had a hard life. You faced much abuse at such a young age and the feelings never fully subsided. You were tired. You were angry. I get it.
Our talks haunt me. I think of all I could have said or done to make you realize how loved you were.
I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up on it. I didn’t see just how low you were. I didn’t know you were preparing to leave me. Forever and always, I will regret this.
Slowly but surely, I am trying to make peace with the fact that you are gone. It’s not easy. Each day brings different floods of emotions. One day I’m angry, the next I am sad, the next I have peace. I don’t think this wound will ever fully heal, but the one and only thing helping me through this is knowing you are at peace. All I ever wanted for you was peace of heart, mind, and body. You had so many pains. And now they are gone.
So what can I take from this? Well one thing is certain, I can feel you all around. I know when you visit me. I can sense your presence in my children when they blurt out what I would always say to you and drive you mad, “Dad, I’m bored!” Out of nowhere, these kids started saying that to me after you passed and I know it was you whispering it in their ears... My lights flicker, things get moved or opened without explanation, I can feel my head being grazed or a touch on my ankle when I can’t sleep due to the agony of losing you. You are here comforting me.
Another thing getting me through is know you had a huge impact on the lives of many around you. You were a protector of children insuring that none of them felt the pain you felt. You literally collected kids who needed protection or to be set on the right path. You would try so hard to help anyone in need. If someone’s home was falling down around them, you’d be the first person there to help them rebuild. If their car was broken down, you’d come out to help get it going again. You could literally repair anything and your generous heart helped so many in need. You truly were a beautiful person.
Aside from being selfless and genuinely generous and caring, you also loved to tell stories to get people to laugh and smile. I can see and hear you now laughing at something you said or a story that had a ridiculous ending. Your laugh was contagious. Your smile, the biggest. As tears fall down my face, I can still manage a smile just thinking about those crazy stories. It seemed you wanted to be sure no one ever felt low because you knew what low felt like and you never wanted anyone there.
You were one of a kind. My heart is so heavy.
I love Daddy. I know you have your peace now. I just have to try and find my own with this.
❤️ Your baby