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Four Years Today
Grief Journey, Losing a Child

Four Years Today

Another warm, sunny, beautiful June 10th. Just like it was in 2016. I wish there would be a stormy rainy one, yet I am very aware that June 10th’s – in 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020 – have all had beautiful, close to perfect, weather. ​​

Lily and her beloved Mr. B.

This one is different than the last three. It is less panic-inducing. I feel more resigned. This day is just expected now. It will always come again and again. Even the days leading up are less manic in feeling.

Is this acceptance? Is it resignation? Are those two things actually different? ​

Her dogs are still here. Her cat is still here. Her horse is still here. Her guinea pig is still here. Yet she is not. ​

Jojo was 6 months old when we lost Lily. Mr. B. is hers now. She choose him when she was one-year-old. We had a pony for her and 15 other horses. She wanted nothing to do with any but him. “I ride B!!” I like to think Lily would be happy knowing he is loved.​​

I don’t come to the Alliance of Hope forum as much anymore. That is a conscious decision I made about a year ago. I want to support, and do when I can, but realize there will always be new Lily’s and that was overwhelming. Knowing every single day some poor new family would be tossed down this dark hole was hard to deal with. ​​

I am also 100% certain now that Lily became ill with a fatal disease. I do not think any of us could have saved her any more than we could have saved her from unseen cancer. She was involved, active, busy, and loving. She did have moments of moodiness. We called her “sullen” some days. All average for a 14-year-old. She was loved, and she loved. I searched for years for what we “missed“ and am confident that the “signs” are only there in hindsight, with the current knowledge I wish we did not have.

But I can also say many things are “better.” They will never be the same and I miss my precious sidekick every single day. Yet I can laugh and love my other grandchildren, enjoy average moments with them. Life is livable and enjoyable more often than not – and I did not feel that was possible early on. ​​

I wanted to post something uplifting, but should have chosen a different day because now I can’t figure out how to do that! The tears are here. Today is one of the hard days. I think there will always be hard days, but I can get through them by crying, accepting my grief is close this day and needs hearing, yet knowing there really are better days ahead. ​​


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Wisdom From Our Community

"Wisdom From Our Community" posts originally appeared on the Alliance of Hope Forum for Suicide Loss Survivors and are reprinted with the permission of the authors. Our online forum transcends time and distance, offering a culture of kindness, hope, and understanding to people who have lost loved ones to suicide. Operating like a 24/7 support group, our forum is supervised by a mental health professional and moderated by a trained team of loss survivors. Members can read and comment, share their stories, and connect with other suicide loss survivors.Read More »