Rewind September 2019: Losing my son brought me to my knees and shook me to my core. I lost parts of myself, and over and over, I wondered:
How can this happen? / Where did he go? / Where did I go? / What were his last thoughts? / Did he feel pain? / Did he suffer? / Were my mum and dad, who passed, there to greet him? / How could I have prevented this? / I should have known. / What should I have known?
I was in a state of extreme shock and couldn’t fathom why people around me were still functioning—still smiling, eating, drinking, living … while my head and heart were screaming silently for my son. I was so badly wounded by his sudden death that I would call out his name. This happened many times. I needed an answer: “What happened to you?” “What’s happening to me?” I would take to my sofa and stare, just staring into space for hours.
This is me now … and my answers. The parts I lost, I have found again, although they are not the same.
How did this happen? With a great deal of grief work, figuring out, and going back and forth, I have created my own narrative, which brings me some peace. I have some idea of what happened.
Where did he go? He went to heaven. I went to hell. (Thankfully, I’m no longer there.)
What were his last thoughts? I’ll know what his last thoughts were when we meet again. He’s got a lot of explaining to do.
Did he feel pain? Of course, he did … internal pain.
Did he suffer? Yes internally.
Were Dad and Mum there to greet him? Not only would my mum and dad have been there to greet him, but also a whole army of my relatives who had previously passed away, including my little sister, who loved to play with him when he was a baby.
How could I have prevented it? Maybe I could have prevented it, if I’m honest … and this is a place where I can be … I should have acted on the call I had from him that Sunday evening. I should have listened to my gut, it told me something was not right, but I decided to deal with it on Monday. Too late! I didn’t know. I do now. That’s cruel hindsight for you.
I should have known! But how can we know what we’re not told? I didn’t know what I didn’t know. So, yes, initially, I beat myself up with “I’m his mother, I should have known.” The fact is, I didn’t know, and I don’t have the power to mind-read.
What should I have known? There’s a whole lot I should have known. But I didn’t know then what I know now. Hindsight again. I have learnt so much in the last five years, and with that came an increased self-awareness which has helped me on my journey of healing. I no longer sit on my sofa, losing time staring into space. At every opportunity, I say “yes” to getting out there and soaking up the joy and wonders of the precious life we have been given. There are days my load is heavier than others. As it is today, my aching heart is heavy, how could it not be? The love of a mother reaches beyond the grave.
I am continually healing. I will be until my time on earth is over. I will be completely healed when I walk beside my son again.
Remembering you (R) is easy; we do it every day. But missing you … that’s the heartache that never goes away.
