Many years ago, I was going to visit a family who had just lost one of their daughters to AIDS. I was with the young woman the night that she died and had seen her struggle. I was going to her parents’ house to assist them in the planning of the funeral.
It was the middle of October when her death occurred, and so many people were getting their Halloween decorations in place. As I was pulling up to her parents’ home, I noticed the people across the street were assembling a graveyard as part of their Halloween decor. I am quite sure that they knew about the situation across the street from them, but they were getting their graveyard in place.
I wanted to tell them that I thought their decorations were in poor taste in light of what had just happened to their neighbors. I didn’t say anything, but that scene made an impression on me. It made me realize that when tragedy strikes a family, it does not have the same impact on the world around that family. The world around them experiences life as usual. People continue to live their lives without fully recognizing the impact that some of their actions can have on grieving people. I don’t think these people were cruel or uncaring; they just do not realize how their actions or words can further hurt people who are already hurting.
At this time of year, there are dummies hanging from trees and skeletal figures jumping out at people passing by. There are monsters trying to scare people. Halloween has become the second most popular day for decorations; some of these decorations can be very unsettling for survivors of suicide loss. When survivors are exposed to a lighthearted portrayal of death, it can stir up a lot of emotions. For people who are surviving the tragic death of a loved one from suicide, there is absolutely no lightheartedness to the event, and it can anger survivors to have death portrayed in such a fashion.
I bring this up to prepare survivors for the season of Halloween. I don’t think that people mean to be insensitive or uncaring, but I do think that people should be educated as to what is a proper decoration and what could be interpreted as something offensive. It takes a courageous person to come forward and express concern about decorations that cross the line. The world should be educated and made more sensitive about the feelings of people who are hurting, for whom there is no humor in a lighthearted portrayal of death.
I counseled a surviving spouse years ago. She had found her husband hanging in the garage. After months of counseling, she was coming to grips with her husband’s death. Halloween came along, and her neighbors put up a dummy hanging from the gutters. It just so happened that this woman would sit in her favorite chair to relax after a long day, and she would look right at the Halloween decoration. This was very upsetting to her. She mentioned being upset, and I suggested that she talk to her neighbor. She did, and the neighbor was very embarrassed and quickly removed the decoration. The grieving woman was very cordial and respectful but direct in expressing her feelings. The neighbor responded appropriately. People are just unaware of how their actions or words can stir up a lot of raw emotional responses. When emotions are stirred up, a gentle reminder is all that is needed. Most people will respond positively after they have been reminded about a raw emotional reaction to something they said or did. I don’t think that people want to go around hurting grieving individuals. It takes a little education and a gentle reminder, and most people are likely to respond positively.
As always, I want to assure each and every member of our LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis, and I encourage all of you to do the same for each other, especially for those survivors who have recently joined our family. Keep on keeping on.
Rev. Charles T. Ruby
