Blog > Losing a Child > Mothers Who Mourn: The Strongest People I Know

Mothers Who Mourn: The Strongest People I Know

April 11, 2022April 28, 2023Author: Audrey Crilley

Recently, I attended a fundraiser for a coworker who lost her 17-year-old son to suicide three years ago. It would have been his 21st birthday. This woman and I would never have been friends if not for the fact that both of our sons chose to end their own lives. My son Adam died at 22.

A mother’s love for her child is different than any other. Mothers are there from the moment of conception. Those children are instantly a part of us. We nurture them and look forward to their arrival. We put up with morning sickness and back pain and childbirth just to welcome an amazing new person into this crazy world.

We love them, nurse them, bathe them, kiss them, sing to them at 2 am, and take them to the doctor for well and sick child visits. We hurt for them when they are teething or have diaper rash or earaches. We make holidays and birthdays special for them because we want them to be happy and enjoy life. The life we gave them.

The first vaccination … the first boo-boo … the first ear infection … the first virus … the first scolding … the first hurtful thing said to them … the first day of school … the first fight … the first ER visit. We cried along with them.

The first smile … the first step … the first word … the first belly laugh … the first happy meal … the first birthday party … the first Halloween. The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. The first spring when we can go for a walk and feed the ducks … the first day of kindergarten … the first day of school. We smiled along with them.

And we would do it all again if we had the chance. If we only had the chance. So please remember and pray for the mothers who not only lost a child but a part of themselves. Far from being what was once labeled as “the weaker sex,” they are the strongest people you will ever know. To continue breathing, living, and loving takes enormous strength after the loss of a child.

I am the strongest person I know. I am also the weakest person I know. But somehow, I keep on breathing and giving because that is what I do. Because I am a mother and always will be.

This post first appeared on the Alliance of Hope Forum and Blog in 2016. It was reprinted with the permission of the author.

26 thoughts on “Mothers Who Mourn: The Strongest People I Know”

Christine WALKER says:

April 30, 2022 at 1:43 pm

Thank you… I wish more people would realize this. I don’t know, maybe they do. This is the most exhausting ever that I have felt to live every day. It will be 5 years in three weeks that my son lost his life to suicide. Horrible pain… Gordon forever 30 – Love of My Life.

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David says:

April 30, 2022 at 1:55 pm

Oh so true. Your words ring so painfully true that moms who’ve lost a child are the most incredibly resilient and strongest people in this world. My wife and I lost our 19 year old son to suicide just about 1 year ago on April 28th. His birthday is on April 30th. After his funeral last year, my wife decided to go to church two days later on Mother’s Day and I suggested she take a rest. But she wanted to go because she recognized that she was still a mom no matter what had happened and she did not want to be afraid of going to church or seeing people. I was amazed and proud of her resilience and strength. Of course she and I have our weak moments – sometimes it hits us everyday. And yet she finds a way to keep going. We support each other and yet I feel her strength helps me tap into mine. Sending love and virtual hugs to all the moms who have lost a child.

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Kim says:

May 1, 2022 at 3:52 pm

Our daughter took her life on April 30,2021 Her birthday was April 22, Alicia left behind 3 gorgeous children. I look at them and wonder what was her last thoughts! The pain and guilt some days is unbearable for me. But I will keep going for them!

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1. Pam says:
  
  May 4, 2022 at 10:51 pm
  
  Yes, Audrey, I hear you. It’s been two years since we lost our beautiful daughter and the pain of that is like no other. It subsides for periods of time but special occasions always fester the wound. Our hope is in Him and I keep reminding myself that someday we’ll be together again in glory. 💜
  
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tinalina says:

May 4, 2022 at 10:42 pm

I cry when they cry, laugh when they laugh. Losing a son was my hell on earth. Naomi Judd recently killed herself. She tried to keep her girls sane, but lost her own mind? She struggled whenever they did. I think it defies logic to put one explanation to a complex topic like suicide and also its effect on survivors. I’ve been told I do too much for my children. But isn’t that what unconditional love is?

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Lee Cook says:

May 4, 2022 at 10:49 pm

This is so true and well written. My son took his life last oct. 2021. He was my only child. This is his birthday month. He was born may 27th. This being his birth month takes my breath away. I feel like I can’t breathe. But I will get through it. he would have been 57 this year. Thank you for sharing.

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1. Shannon Hunt says:
  
  March 18, 2023 at 6:25 pm
  
  Lee, I lost my only child Lukus 1-1-2023 and the pain is excruciating. Thank you for sharing and I know what it’s like losing your only child. I hope that it’s day by day for you now instead of moment by moment or hour by hour. It’s hour by hour mostly for me right now, but I know that can change in an instant. I look forward to day by day.
  
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Mindy Clayton says:

May 4, 2022 at 11:01 pm

On April 16 our son will be gone from us for 11 years. Trying to explain to my husband, daughter, older son how much it hurts me, like I have lost part of my body. I carried that 10lb 4oz baby boy for 2 extra weeks. My back hurt. I was tired. I just wanted to have that baby! And I did, and he was perfect, and part of me and my soul were in him as he grew. My body gave him to us, and I had a happy space. Now I have an empty space. It will never be filled even as I try my best to fill it with happy memories. I ask myself when will this be over, and I know it won’t, but I keep on every day smiling, laughing, and hoping that just a tiny area of that hole will be filled.

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Tonya Hancock says:

May 5, 2022 at 3:57 am

Chandler was my oldest of four. I had three boys and one girl. I loved all my children equally but each one has their own special place in my heart. Chandler was so smart and a pure honest soul. He was 21-years-old and died by suicide December 7th, 2016.. Some days the pain seems unbearable. I didn’t think there was anything in this world that could happen to me that could even compare to the pain I was experiencing until July 28th, 2021. That day I lost another son, Grant Michael, to an accidental drug overdose. Grant was high on life. He was praising & thanking God everyday for all the blessings coming his way despite the fact he had lost his older brother. Grant was pulling our family together. He reassured me daily that I would pull through losing Chandler, that we could still find peace and happiness because that’s what Chandler would want. Losing Grant in addition to Chandler is a pain like no other. He was 20-years-old and just beginning his journey. With Mother’s Day coming up I’m broken but trying to find a way to be there for my other two children and my two grandbabies. A huge part of me is gone and I’m struggling everyday just to find my way.

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1. Melinda says:
  
  May 5, 2022 at 6:11 pm
  
  My heart goes out to all of you here-even though it is badly broken itself. This grief is unimaginable. It cannot be fixed, only carried. Forever.
  
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Janet Moulder says:

May 5, 2022 at 8:16 am

To continue to breathe was my instruction to myself for the first two years after my son Lucas killed himself five years ago. And “I exist” is still my mantra. I have been through the worst pain possible, so yes, I’d say I was strong and resilient. But it was motivated by wanting to be here for my daughter. My son took a piece of me with him and I cry for him and myself.

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Marcella says:

May 5, 2022 at 8:34 am

Thank you to all the parents who commented. We lost our adult daughter just five months ago, so this is my first Mother’s Day without her. My mind and body feel the pain of missing her wonderful presence and love. I invited her husband and four year old daughter to my house for time together on Sunday. It will be so difficult, because our relationship is strained and my daughter won’t be there with us. Please send light!

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1. Aimee says:
  
  May 7, 2022 at 10:32 am
  
  I will be sending you peace and love. Family grief is so complex and painful.
  
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Vicki says:

May 5, 2022 at 9:26 am

Thank you, My earth angel Kody FE17 succumbed to his illness 4/11/21. He would be graduating next month in June. I lost my oldest FE38 in 2019 to the horrible poison from China. I am devastated, broke, and a big part of me is missing, yearning, looking for my baby. The questions ruminate in my mind. Happy Mothers’ Day. I won’t be celebrating me. I couldn’t keep my own baby safe.

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Chris says:

May 5, 2022 at 3:51 pm

Lost my youngest son 7 years ago at age 34 to his severe depression, Bipolar disease. The 18th of May is his Birthday, and I find myself struggling to get through yet another without my very intelligent, witty, and loving son. He was one of a kind, yet didn’t/couldn’t realize how much we loved him. The pain of losing a child in this way is indescribable to anyone who has not experienced it, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

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Lynn Warner says:

May 6, 2022 at 3:21 pm

My beautiful baby boy took his life two days after his 26th birthday. It will be three years in June since his passing. As a mother I tend to round up his age to 27 because I carried him in my belly for almost 10 months. The pain is visceral and exhausting. I had to purchase a Mother’s Day card for my mom-in-law. I found myself picking out one for Mom from your Son. I was thinking this would be the kind Ryan would give me. It took my breath away but also made me smile. As a mom I hold on dearly to all my memories. Hugs to all Moms this Mother’s Day,

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1. joyce shuman says:
  
  May 12, 2022 at 12:24 am
  
  Hi Lynn, Robert struggled with treatment-resistant, rapid cycling bi-polar that progressed as he aged. I kept asking him for 30 years, please. He died by suicide 16 weeks ago. I realized I did get 30 years and more, I carried him for almost 10 months too. I feel a strong soul connection to him now, after his physical transition. Thank you for writing, A deep breath for you and hugs too.
  
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Derek’s mom says:

May 6, 2022 at 8:38 pm

My heart is hurting so badly. We lost our son Derek, forever17, on Feb 7th, 2020. This will be my 3rd Mother’s Day without him and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe we have made it this far, surviving what I thought would be impossible. I remember my first Mother’s Day without him was just three months after he was gone and it was awful yet still in shock. I spent most of yesterday sobbing in a towel feeling empty and hopeless. I am not hopeless however as I know Derek is with our Lord and Savior and we will join him someday. It’s hard work sometimes reminding myself of our hope and that truly is what keeps me going. Plus, our daughter and my husband depend on me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I pray for all us mom’s. Hugs from one hurting mother to another.

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Angela backhouse says:

May 7, 2022 at 2:49 am

I don’t want to be strong, inspirational, or the person you mean when you say ‘I don’t know how you do it.’ I am doing this because I must. For my son and for his 3 brothers he left behind. Because HE was strong and HE was the bravest person I have ever known. Not I. His slow, silent decline swallowed him whole. Not sharing, nor talking was his Achilles heal in the end. My son passed in Oct 2021 and would be 19 on 26 May. This month is hard, but I will do this for him. For the beautiful boy I once knew. And held. And loved. And now miss every day. 💛

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1. Rosa says:
  
  July 15, 2022 at 11:14 am
  
  Beautifully said. My son was strong too, stronger than me. Even when I knew he was nervous or hesitant, he would always march forward and hold my hand through it.
  
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Therese G. Dixon says:

May 9, 2022 at 1:19 pm

Audrey, what a beautifully written post. It really captured all those emotions that I feel. I miss my Ryan (he left us Nov. 2, 2014 @24 years old). He left a huge whole in our family. He was the biggest cheerleader for what he knew what I needed and wanted – a family that came together to celebrate life in general as well as those holidays… I move forward with my son, so he can see the life he couldn’t or wouldn’t live. Thank you for sharing your post. My condolences to all the mothers and children who have lost their mothers – virtual Hugs …

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Daxie2005 says:

May 28, 2023 at 11:50 pm

A huge thanks to all the mothers who have courageously shared their stories and their pain. Reading them really brought home to me the reality of a mother’s loss. People tend to put grief into a category of Healing but deep down we who have lost never truly heal. Rather we just somehow find a strength to continue or maybe the strength is not found but something outside of ourselves works its wise ways to input that needed strength into us. I found myself tearing up as I read the stories and I will draw on this collected wisdom future wise.

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Nathan's Mom says:

May 30, 2023 at 1:16 pm

This blessed me so much today, Audrey. I too feel like the strongest person I know and the weakest. Hearing from someone who “gets it” really helps. My son took his life 11 years ago this month, and the anniversary is hard. Your post is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it.

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Teresa E Bingham says:

August 8, 2023 at 12:02 am

I lost my precious son on April 27th of this year. There are times that I amazed by my strength and others I feel so weak and find it hard to just breathe. If I am honest, I would rather just stay in bed most days and hide from reality. Dawson, my baby, was my only child and he was 23 years old. I had no idea that he was suffering from depression. He was the kindest old soul you could ever meet and a Momma’s boy. I just can’t understand why this happened. However, when I want to give up, I think of my son and how he would want me to be strong for his dad. I know he didn’t want to hurt us. He obviously was in so much pain that he hid from us. Please pray for me and my husband. I feel like I am living in a before and after my son. I hate the after and try to remember every memory from before. The one and only thing that makes me survive is knowing that I will be reunited with my precious son in Heaven some sweet day. Without the Lord and the assurance of my son’s relationship with God, I could not make it one minute much less a lifetime.

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Karla Painter says:

April 13, 2024 at 10:36 am

The pain of losing a child to suicide is unbearable. You carry it with you every minute of every moment, while craving their presence daily. It has been almost five years since suicide took my daughter, yet it stills feels like yesterday. I hold space for all the mothers suffering this devastating loss. Molly’s mom 🌻

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Lostredpanda says:

April 16, 2024 at 6:41 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the heart break of losing a child, but I believe my child and your child did not chose this path. They chose it no more than another chose to get cancer, have a stroke, or die of a heart attack or aneurysm. They were loved and cherished – they were ill. They did not choose to die, their illness meant they deeply believed they had no other option.

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