Over the years in my work with survivors, I have seen how challenging it can be to navigate the holiday season, particularly for those who are newly bereaved. I still vividly remember the isolation I felt during the first Thanksgiving and Christmas after the suicide of my stepson, Channing, in 1995. Those days were a struggle, and the mere thought of that time still stirs a familiar anxiety within me.
Back then, resources and support for those grieving profound losses were scarce. Suicide was a taboo subject; support groups were few and far between. Counselors lacked training in trauma and complicated grief issues, and society at large was unaware of the plight faced by survivors of suicide loss.
Reflecting back, I realize nothing truly prepared me for the holidays. I had no guidance or roadmap to navigate my grief. No one else in the family did, either, so we did our best to get through it.
That first Thanksgiving, I traveled out of state to my brother-in-law’s home for a family gathering. I can recall bits and pieces from 30 years ago, but mainly, what stands out is how deeply I struggled with the silence surrounding the profound loss we had experienced just three months prior. No one mentioned Channing’s name. Perhaps they did, but not in my presence. I understand now that this silence wasn’t out of indifference; they were hurting too. Everyone was profoundly broken. It was just the way things were.
By the end of the holiday weekend, something inside me erupted—a desperate need to talk about what had happened and a feeling of profound isolation. For lack of knowing what else to do or where to go, I asked to go to an emergency room, hoping to speak with someone. I still remember the relief I felt at the kindness of the ER nurse who came to talk with me. She listened and understood, and that made all the difference.
Returning home from that weekend, I realized that Christmas could not and would not resemble what it had in the past. I couldn’t manage a tree or elaborate decorations; it simply felt inappropriate. Instead, I put an angel in every room—angel candle holders in the living room, a figurine in the dining room, a straw angel in the kitchen, and so on. It was minimal and subtle; if you had visited, you might not have known. But my daughter Heather did. A week or two later, she arrived with a gift: angel earrings and a note that read, “Mom, if you wear these, there will be an angel in every room you enter.”
I wore them often back then—and still do.
That was 30 years ago. Since that time, resources for survivors have expanded significantly. Today, a wealth of information is available. Shifts in societal attitudes and advancements in communication technology have made it easier to access insights and encouragement from grief experts and fellow survivors.
I think the most common piece of advice from nearly everyone is to plan ahead and do what feels right for you when navigating the winter holidays. Others who care about you will understand.
Check out these two insightful essays from our blog if you’d like to explore more about navigating this challenging time.
And last of all, a reminder: the journey through loss is unique for each person. And the searing pain of recent loss tends to soften over time.
If you are feeling alone and isolated, consider reaching out to connect with others who understand, on the Alliance of Hope Community Forum. It is a welcoming community of courageous and kind survivors of suicide loss.
