Because Nice Matters

InPeaces: “Since I found out about Max I have somehow managed to encounter–mostly-all kind people. I work as a server and encounter lots of people at my job. Usually, about 75% are pretty decent, but the other 25% make my job hard. These past few days have been good, after almost a month of pain. These last 2 or 3 days,I’ve started to feel human again.

Then today, a woman at my table got impatient with me because I forgot to ring in her appetizer. She did that thing that people do when they are pissed at you and won’t even look at you when you apologize.

It made me want to cry. I’ve been trying hard to be kinder to people since this happened, because Max was kind, and because like I said earlier, you do not know what the people around you are going through.

I came back to the table after their late (and now free) appetizer got there. I stooped down to become eye level with this woman and gave her the sincerest apology that I could. After all, we still need to be kind to people even if they don’t always seemingly deserve it. Maybe she is going through her own things in life. And to my surprise she actually became much nicer after that. Nice Matters.”

***

Shelby: “This reminds me of our founder, Ronnie Walker, who runs this forum based on the motto, “Kindness Matters.” I’m glad you were able to remain kind in the face of your customer’s impatience, and so good that she finally reciprocated a little kindness back to you. I hope you continue to encounter kindness. We could all do with the reminder to keep spreading good will. Thanks for sharing.”

***

My Butterfly: I agree with you 100% @inpeaces. You never know what someone else is going through. When my husband died, I went to a flower shop with my friend. My friend and I worked together and our job required customer service. I was buying a single red rose to place on my husband’s grave. There is a sentimental reason that goes with my husband and a single red rose. This was very soon after he died and was buried, so my emotions were very raw. The flower shop employee was very rude and mean to me. It was so bad that my friend stepped in and reamed out the employee and explained why I was buying the rose. Then, the employee apologized, but I was still in tears.

Once we were back in the car, my friend told me she learned a valuable lesson there in the flower shop. She told me that she learned that you just never know what someone else is going through and for now on, she is going to nicer to her customers at work. I am always kind to people no matter what because of what I have been through in my life. I think going through this kind of trauma changes us and makes us aware of other people and their feelings. So I agree with you 100%. Kindness Matters, as Ronnie Walker says.”

The Power of “Yet.”

One word. Three letters. When added to a thought, how powerful those three letters can be! How much that word can change how we feel about ourselves and our struggles!

This idea was incredibly helpful to me during my challenging times. How much of our time do we spend beating ourselves up, being hard on ourselves for something we haven’t been able to do? If you guys are anything like me – it’s a hell of a lot of the time. But, if we add the word “yet” to the end of those thoughts – or the words “right now,” it may help to shift things.

Doing this changed my perspective. I was able to see things from a growth or a possibility mindset, while acknowledging that right at this moment, this is tough. This gave me hope that at some point in the future (who knows when) I would be able to. It gave me the persistence to keep trying. It reminded me that where I am right now is not necessarily where I will be. It reminded me that things and I can change – that I am not a fixed entity.

  • I can’t do this. … I can’t do this yet.
  • This is too hard. … This is too hard right now.
  • I can’t tell anyone how I feel. … I can’t tell anyone how I feel yet.
  • Nobody understands. … Nobody understands right now.
  • I can’t face my family. … I can’t face my family yet.

Essentially, I made a conscious effort to take notice when my trickster of a brain was telling me I couldn’t do something. When I noticed the word can’t, I added either “yet” or “right now.” This has helped in my grief and trauma recovery and my life as a whole. This word has allowed me to look at myself – at my perceived mistakes, failings, challenges, and difficulties – from a very different standpoint. Rather than being a hard-arsed drill sergeant harassing myself to be able to cope better and do more, I’m able to recognize where I’m not comfortable, what I would like to be different, and approach that with compassion.

This has increased my determination and persistence. After all, “can’t” is finite. “Not yet” gives hope and possibility.

The Winter of Our Grief

Hello all. I just thought I would share a page out of a book I’m reading that has helped me tremendously. Yes…I’m actually reading in small increments. It’s a start!

I hope it helps someone else as it has me. A dear friend mailed it to me and I am forever thankful as I have read half the book in two sittings. Hugs to this amazing unselfish and caring warrior. I don’t think she realizes the gift was far more than just a book.

The book is titled Winter Grief, Summer Grace. This page is under the Winter section:

  • “The winter of your grief is a time to do what is best for you: a time to be – just to be.
  • A part of you may wish to push ahead.
  • Winter says, “Take your time.”
  • A part of you may wish to get this over with as quickly as possible.
  • Winter says, “Be patient.”
  • Something within you may want to escape.
  • Winter says, “This is what you need right now.”
  • This time offers an opportunity to do what you may not often do,,,
  • Sit and be quiet,
  • Walk and be aware,
  • Write or talk and be reflective.
  • You can spend time with yourself and make a close, close friend.
  • You can immerse yourself in the stillness and let it inform you.
  • You can open your eyes to the starkness that is all around you and find unusual beauty.
  • You can use this time of barrenness to begin your healing.” ~James E. Miller

Grief is uncomfortable, but it demands to be felt. We can choose to deal with it or avoid it, but I have found that eventually, it will knock on our door. To truly heal from grief, we must walk through it and not around it. I always tell myself, “It’s OK to visit grief, just don’t move in.”

I hope what each of us takes from this is to allow ourselves a time of Winter in hopes that Spring will follow. We all deserve peace and healing. Our loved ones surely want this for us all. Sending warm hugs and wishing you all a peaceful night’s rest.